Saturday, June 30, 2007

Current mood: Pouting.

That is all.

Vampires for Jesus

When I was having cake with my co-workers on Thursday they happened to randomly mention that Anne Rice is now a fundamental Christian. That's not quite exactly what she is, but it got the point across and made me sick to my stomach that I needed to quick-hurry-up-and-edit-the-blogroll. And then I did what I normally do when I trust my brain rather than writing things down -- I forgot.

Just a moment ago I was watching Letterman and something triggered my memory of this conversation about Anne Rice. You know, this is what I get for not paying close enough attention to the world. It's not like she just resurrected her Catholicism on Tuesday. In fact it was almost 10 years ago, according to the Wik:

    In 1998, after spending most of her adult life as a self-described atheist, Rice returned to her Roman Catholic faith, which she had not practiced since she was 18. In October 2005, as she reaffirmed her Catholic faith, Rice announced in a Newsweek article that she would "write only for the Lord." She called Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt, her first novel in this genre, the beginning of a trilogy that will chronicle the life of Jesus.

Time to edit the blogroll. If I can find her.

I like Jesus, he's a lot of fun at parties, but I just don't think I want to be told by Anne Rice about his life.

(Have I ever mentioned my religious non-affiliation? Yah, total heathen. Except for my Buddhist tendencies, like doing good just for the sake of doing good not coming back in my next life as a cockroach.)

"We are not related."

1. The neighbor across the street who has lived there the entire time I have lived here (5 years) is so hot. Seriously. He's just super hot. I just caught a glimpse of him through the upstairs window so I just needed to mention.

2. I didn't realize that kids had to wait until they were 4'9" before they weren't supposed to be in a car seat anymore!

3. Georgie is headbutting my arm because she wants me to say hi to you all for her. "Hi, everyone!"

4. Kudos instead of tacos for breakfast. Definitely the better choice.

little bits

It's summer, shouldn't you be outside or something? Yah, me too.

I totally forgot that I had set up a recording for Sleepaway Camp on IFC. Now I totally get to see boobies this morning!!!! (What? Boobies are pretty!) Edit: Dammit! No boobies because the twist at the end is that she is really a he. So I think I just saw a prosthetic penis. I think.

It's 9:30am but I'm craving Mexican food. A nice beef taco with pico de gallo would be lovely. And beans and rice. And maybe a chimichanga (I don't care what's in there, it's fried and awesome). Now I am starving... Nice job, Poppy!

I'm pretty sure for the first time since it warmed up I have absolutely no plans for the weekend. Except drinking ice water and watching the cats go nuts. Yup, there goes Ripley now!

We can see our town's fireworks from our backyard because they're launched from *pointing* right over there, so people invite themselves to our house to eat our food and sit in our screened tent, in the front of the tent so that Hay and I get the crappy view of our own fireworks. I'm not quite sure how this happens every year. Except that Hay keeps saying "what time are you coming?" when they say, "hey, we're coming over for the 4th." I'm not opposed to visitors, I'm just opposed to people without common courtesy.

I am still hungry. Bye.

Friday, June 29, 2007

babble babble babble

I wish Gravatar would hurry up and populate my new account icon. I soooo hate looking like a comment bubble. And a bearded stick-figure man. And nothing at all.

I am a pretty kitty, dammit!

Administrivia, or not

I am tired of Yahoo. It sucks. Every time I send a message it has an ad at the bottom. Every time I receive messages they aren't threaded. Every time I reply to a message I can't write inline and if I go into my Sent folder to reply it sends it to me instead of the person I sent the first message to. All these things piss me off. I have changed my profile to have the address I shall use from this point forward (remove the dashes, k?). Please change your addy books. If you send to Yahoo please expect between 1 and infinite business days before I reply. Thank you for your understanding.

Also, nothing beats an ice-cold Coke on a warm summer day. Well, I guess there are things that beat it, but not for me at this very moment.

I do proofread. Just nefariously.

I wonder how much it annoys colleagues that I send out emails with blatant errors in them then within 15 seconds I have sent a correction message. I'm sure they're always screaming at the screen, "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT THE FIRST TIME?!?!"

I secretly like to spread misinformation. That's why.

Any other questions?

It's all about the tingle

I am wearing Burt's Bees champagne lip shimmer today. It makes my lips tingly. :) :) :)

Oh, hi!

Heh, yah, I have a blog. I remember now.

I had two awesomely wonderful things to post about but I've forgotten both of them.

Ruminate on that?

Thursday, June 28, 2007

I have 154 new Yahoo messages right this very minute, yet I still have not learned my lesson that I shouldn't email subscribe to comments on my favorite blogs which offer that service.

I seriously need a personal assistant...

Sugary goodness

I am bringing cake to work today. And I'm going to eat it. I'm sharing, of course, so if you'd like some cake please stop by my work at 11:30am* 10:30am my time, k?

*Honest mistake. :)

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

She was an American girl *

RW, I need you to chime in here at your earliest convenience please. And B?

In tonight's Top Chef episode Micah Edelstein says:
"I'm from South Africa. I've never eaten fried chicken. It's just not something that interests me in the slightest. Chicken a la King? I don't even know what that is... My reaction to American comfort food: Uuuuuuhhh!"

Would you like to say that again, Faux-Micah from Bridgewater, Massachusetts? RW, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, but now she's just a LIAR.

*Thank you to Tom Petty for my post title.

This has nothing whatsoever to do with anything that concerns you, but it's my blog, so there.

I'm lazily /[text] enter cw[text] esc n . :w :n-ing away in vi because I am too damn lazy to use sed and awk to do it properly, but I keep pausing in between page edits because I keep being distracted by something. And by distracted I mean entertained. And by entertained I mean amused. And by amused I mean it keeps making me giggle a little. And by a little I mean a lot.

I guess the lesson learned here is: I enjoy distractions. And vi.


If you want to cry then you read this post. If you don't want to cry then you don't read that post. You'll be a better person for reading it, so you should cry a little (oh, who am I kidding, a lot).

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

chkdsk /r

This might be a post you want to skip, although I think the ending is worth muddling through the little bit of mumbo jumbo sprinkled through it. I could be wrong.

So, my dad calls me at work today and leaves me a voicemail that he broke his computer.

I don't get this voicemail until 10 minutes before my work day is done because, as usual, I was in meetings for most of the day.

I call back, get my stepmom, gruffly tell her I need to speak with my dad, he gets on the phone, and I gruffly ask about the problem. He tells me his understanding of the problem and I realize it won't necessarily be an over-the-phone fix because I don't believe my dad has done everything he says he's done to troubleshoot the problem himself.* I gruffly agree to go to my dad's house almost directly after work (I need to stop at home to feed and pet the kitties) and agree to eat sloppy Joes at their house for dinner.

I arrive to my dad's house and see the UNMOUNTABLE_BOOT_VOLUME error.

Because my dad is so insistent that this is a hardware problem I run hardware diagnostics and go to the other room to do some googling. While I am there someone (*ahem*) interrupts the hardware diagnostics and starts them over.

I return to my dad's computer and someone fesses up to interrupting the scan. I take this opportunity to skip out of the hardware diags and instead boot to the recovery console and run chkdsk (/p for kicks) /r on the drive. While it jumps from 50% to 75% to 50% to 53% to 60% to 50% to 55% to 100% we eat sloppy Joes with grated parm and corn. (Fine dining, I tell ya.)

After chkdsk completes I restart the computer and quietly boot it into safe mode successfully. Everyone notices and starts to celebrate (prematurely, if you ask me). I shut down the computer again and quietly restart in normal mode. While it's booting everyone keeps talking about it as if everything is fine, as if the computer was just naughty and now it's had its timeout in the corner and is back to being a productive member of society. And, fair enough, the computer does boot to normal mode successfully and my dad is able to check his Juno and his eBay auction bids and his instant message client and his Gmail and his bank account and his Hotmail and (Jesus, Dad, when did you become so ... computery?).

I would just like to point out, and I know it's silly, but Poppy doesn't talk about computers while they're booting up after misbehaving. In fact, Poppy crosses her fingers and babies the computer and promises she doesn't assume that the problem is resolved. She closes one eye and peers through her fingers and thinks happy thoughts and yells at anyone who tries to talk about the computer being fixed or not fixed. It's magic when computers decide to resurrect from the dead, and talking about them only jinxes the repair. So, I implore you, don't undo all my work by talking about the computer. K? Because that's just rude. And next time I'm making you fix the damn thing yourself.

*I have trust issues. I fully admit to this. If you've dealt with as many computer users as I have who lie through their teeth that they didn't do anything, the computer just stopped working, how they promise they've done everything you've advised them to do over the phone when you can hear it in their voice that they've just been sitting there eating chips while they pretend to follow your instructions, you'd have trust issues too.

busy busy busy

(one of the) worst cat parent(s) ever

Posted at PostSecret this week. Frank actually named the image "pleasedonotsendmeemailaboutthisonethanks.jpg" but I'm pretty sure he's getting lots of mail about it anyway.

Monday, June 25, 2007

I am not your bitch.

That is all.

That'll learn me

Hay and I both have colds. All of a sudden. All because the woman I trained on Friday neglected to mention she had a cold before I licked her keyboard. And then I made some sort of contact with Hay between Friday and this morning.

Sorry, Hay. FU, lady.

The world has tilted on its axis a bit too far

I got this from ACW. I know someone else posted it a few days ago but I don't remember who anymore. Sorry to whoever that was.

Anyway, does anyone notice anything peculiar about the comparison below?

My blog rating:

Avi's blog rating:

I swear to you that is the real result. Avi talks about the most foul things on the planet and gets a G rating. I talk about kittens and flowers and love and get NC-17. That's bizarro fair.

If you want to rate your own blog go to Mingle. Interesting how they snare us with their promise to rate our blogs but offer dating services... Tricky bastards.

The new hair

Frame of reference... The old hair at the end of its life was this golden orange color that kinda sickened me and made me think of mac and cheese from a box:

Pardon the fist. I really have no recollection what I was fisting at that day. (Yah, I know what I said. I'm funny.)

The new hair makes me think of (duh) cinnamon:

Sorry to anyone who liked the old color, but I like this color much better. I'll probably request less blonde highlights next time, though.

Some boy who IMs me incessantly says he doesn't see a difference between before and after. That boy taught me how to flip him off in IM, so I say to him: mln

Does no one see the difference between the video above and the hair did video below?????


Fine. *mutter*

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Who knew?

Trishelle Cannatella from Real World: Las Vegas is the star of Ninja Cheerleaders, coming this summer to a theater somewhere or other.

I love ninjas. I love cheerleaders. I love campy. I'm so gonna see this even if I have to wait to see it on Netflix.

(Not to be confused with the 2002 film Cheerleader Ninjas, mkay?)

Reality virtual

This post is probably quite clearly the result of me pouring through all the blog posts and comments about Dawg and Puppy Monster.

Why is it so much more accepted as valid to have been in someone's physical presence and formed a friendship versus having met online, shared each other's deepest hopes and dreams, and realized you want to be each other's friend?

I'm doing a count in my head and telling you that every single one of the friends I am close with except two are people I knew from the internet first. They became my friends there first. I didn't have to meet them to know how incredibly amazing they were.

And for anyone who argues that meeting someone in person gives us a better sense that the person is genuine: Is that really true? We all get tricked by people in our physical lives as well, from time to time. We all think we know people and then realize we don't know them as well as we thought. That's life.

I think Amy, creator of the graphics for the Puppy Monster memorial, says it best:
    "Can you believe this? I've never been so proud to belong to a community before in my life. It's one thing to say you have friends, but it's another thing when the chips are down to see who really stands by you - no matter how far away, how well they know you, or if you've ever met face to face."
I can believe it, I'm so happy that there are truly good people in the world, and that I get to be a part of a truly selfless act for an incredible person. I'm also really happy that, much to his chagrin, Avi's reputation as a total asshole has been completely and utterly and irrevocably decimated. Sorry, sweetie, your teddy bear heart is shining through. And so are those of all the people who are showing Dawg support monetarily and through kind words. (But, Avi, scooch a little closer for a sec: If you make that kitten killing video you [I HOPE] joked about in order to get your reputation "back on track" I am not kidding about turning you in, so DON'T. DO. IT.)

To Helen and B and any of my other readers who may have quietly purchased graphics, thank you so very, very much.

little one

In memory of Puppy Monster

The 37-photo set is at flickr.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Thanks so much to everyone who has donated to Dawg for the costs associated with something he should never have even experienced, the loss of his son.

Avi just told me that as of 6:30pm today 117 people have donated almost $1800. I am so amazed by everyone's generosity. I have hope for this world. If you're interested in following the progress please visit Avi's blog and look in the sidebar. He's keeping the total updated periodically. If you haven't donated or you're able to give more please buy a graphic. Or two. Or 100. :) Every little bit helps.

Bad things and good people should never have to meet.

Last night I spent several hours reading blogger posts and comments about Dawg and Puppy. Then I abruptly shut everything off and went to sleep. This morning I had terrible, terrible nightmares that I don't want to discuss and when I awoke Georgie was jumping onto the bed to spend time with me. She got on my chest and pushed her head into my hand to pet her. Then she gestured that she wanted to come under the covers with me. I petted her for a while then I just burst into tears and she didn't know what to do so she jumped down. I sat up on the side of the bed and cried some more ... those achy, sobby tears ... then brushed my teeth and took a shower and got dressed. When I came downstairs I did what I always do on Saturday which is go visit Avi for his Saturday vlog. I knew it would be about Dawg and Puppy. I was trying to be a champ about it, but as soon as I saw that in 15 hours we had contributed $1100 to Dawg I just lost it all over again. Because Adam is such a good person for organizing this. Because we love a blogger and show him our support. Because I can't take back that day for Dawg. Because I want to give Dawg a big hug and take his pain away.

I love you, Dawg. I love you, Puppy, and I miss you.

Friday, June 22, 2007

I don't recall feeling a deeper sadness over the loss of a human being. NYC Watchdog posted that his son DJ (aka Puppy Monster) passed away as the result of an accident. I don't know what to say, I am too busy feeling.

Dawg doesn't want anyone to contact him but if you have seen him around my blog or have watched his Cereal Wednesdays please stop by and watch his Puppy Monster videos then offer your condolences in comment form. You can also donate to Dawg via Avi's website.

Best of

I will be posting another entry about Avi very soon because I :pinkpuffyheart: him and have something to announce, but I want to draw your attention to his post today which reveals that on Monday it was his 3-year blogiversary.

I didn't start reading Avi's blog regularly until 2006, but I've periodically spot-checked the archives and they get a double thumbs up by me. His earlier stuff actually shows you a lot more about the real man behind the curtain, if you're interested in getting to know him a little better.

Go visit, leave him lots of comments in his archives (after reading the posts, of course), then call him up and wish him a happy blogiversary! His number is slutted all over the internets, so I'm sure you can find it.

In case any of you were wondering, the post about NYCWD's son is not the other post I was alluding to here. I am horrified that my mind keeps thinking anyone would think this. No one has asked me about it, but I want to clear this up before anyone does get the wrong idea. It is complete coincidence that the very next post had anything to do with Avi.

Suck on this, Rachael.

Rachael Ray has manhands.

Big, meat hooky hands.

Keep in mind that black is slimming and that she's a tiny thing.

Also keep in mind that she does a lot of chopping and tearing of food with her bare manhands.

I used to like her before she became the 30-Minute Oprah. I really wish she'd stop invading my snack crackers, iced coffee, knives, pans, and television.

See? Total invasion.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Today's crush was generously sponsored by the police department:

(Invaded personal space plus lingering handshake plus ear-to-ear grin) = Happy Poppy

The universe is against me

Everyone's busy, including me, which makes Poppy bored in playland.

So, I'm going to ask you all to put down your things, bring your full attention to me, and entertain me. Please. Even though I'm about to walk into a meeting. I'll be back! And when I come back I want fun things in my email and in IM and in my comments.

(I'm guessing this is too much to ask. I'm asking anyway.)

Sprinkles or jimmies? You decide.

Jimmy Kimmel has emergency appendectomy

NEW YORK - Jimmy Kimmel, host of ABC's "Jimmy Kimmel Live," was in good shape after having an emergency appendectomy on Wednesday night in Los Angeles.

"The surgery was a success," Kimmel's publicist, Lewis Kay, said in an e-mail Thursday. "The rest of this week's tapings of `Jimmy Kimmel Live' have been canceled until he is back on his feet. He is resting comfortably and is looking forward to getting back to work."

The 39-year-old comedian, who dates actress-comic Sarah Silverman, has hosted the late-night talk show for four years. (Yahoo!)

I prefer to call him Sprinkles myself.


Today is one of those days where I'm not sure if I'll be around or not. Gosh, those are my favorite.

To do with title: Just because you see a cute bunny outside at dusk does not mean you should go outside to take photos because you're so tasty to the mosquitoes that you now have...not hyperbolizing...15 bites strewn throughout your extremities instead of two. And, look! One on your pretty, pretty ass too! Yay! . Just so you know, Band-Aid itch relief gel spritz works pretty well for that.

PS - I didn't have time to proofread this in the early morning. I know there were typos. I have fixed them.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!!!

Is anybody else watching the newest snow myths episode of Mythbusters?


They are using a pig tongue to test licking a flagpole*. I'm trying to be calm but it's not working out. The tongue has stitches in it and it's ripping off the pole. All I can do is chant ew over and over again in a voice similar to that of the lady who was stomping grapes and fell down and bruised her ribs and just kept howling and howling and howling. And if you don't know what I'm talking about:

I will not ever post footage of the Mythbusters pig tongue. *vomit*

My eyes are moist with disgust.

*If anyone doesn't know what inspires the flagpole test, it's definitely A Christmas Story:

Knit me a cupcake!

I know I say this frequently, but you should see my eyes right now. Very wide. For all my knitting girls I present to you the newest food porn: The knitting cupcake.

Do you love it?! I love it!!!!!

We blame this on VeganYumYum but we thank Slashfood for the heads up.

And by we I mean the royal we. I have not shared my blog authoring with anyone else. Except sometimes Georgie by mistake.

Free chips!

If you've never had Kettle chips then you're not living. If you love chips (I know some of you don't, I get it, shush) then please point your browser over to the Kettle neighborhood and guess how many chips fit in the smart fortwo car. If you win the contest you get free chips for a year!

The likelihood of you winning: Not very likely.

The likelihood of you having a good time guessing anyway: Very likely.

Please note that I have not had the cheddar beer chips yet, but as soon as I locate some I'm eating an entire bag. Potato plus cheese plus beer equals love.

Crash and burn

I'm coming down from a Coca-Cola and peanut M&M's sugar high. May I borrow someone's blankie?

"Is that a flashlight in your mouth or are you just happy to see me?"

Hay sent me this story:

Firefighters flush kitten from storm drain

PARKERSBURG, West Virginia (AP) -- It took two fire trucks, five firefighters, several animal rescuers and about 250 gallons of water to rescue a 2-pound kitten.

Animal control officers tried coaxing the gray tabby out of a storm sewer drain with encouraging words and food Monday before giving up after about an hour and a half.

Firefighters tried banging tools on one end of the pipe and flashing lights Monday night in hopes of driving the kitten out the other end -- but that didn't work either.

It wasn't until firefighters flushed about 250 gallons of water through the 10- to 12-inch pipe -- enough to wet the kitten's paws -- and the feline rushed into the hands of Firefighter Kevin Siers, who was standing inside a manhole.

"We had about an hour and a half of fun," Siers said Tuesday. "Everybody was pretty tickled" when the cat emerged.

After a very frightening day and night, the kitten seemed more relaxed and was warming up to humans, said Dan Hendrickson with the Humane Society of Parkersburg.

A visitor to the shelter signed adoption papers Tuesday. (CNN)


I was going to post something really funny about someone playing with a certain gaming console, but I have been denied permission to do so. I think we should all boo that person until that person gives in.


I might need to make a Blogger label for you... *squinty mean face*


What I think about when I'm mowing the lawn: Bloggers.
What I think about when I'm weeding the gardens: Nothing, I'm in the zone, leave me alone!
What I think about when I'm riding in the car: Bloggers.
What I think about when I'm eating: "Mmmmm, this tastes soooo good! I bet [any given blogger] would really like this!"
What I think about when I'm drinking "the alcohol": Bloggers. Definitely bloggers. And sex. But not sex with bloggers. Because that's dirty. *looking around* Ahem.
What I think about when I'm drifting off to sleep: Bloggers.
...and when I'm waking up: Bloggers.
What I think about when I'm in the shower: Work.
What I think about when I'm dreaming: Work.
What I think about when I'm in work meetings: Bloggers. Or how hot all the boys around me are. Because effing a, I appreciate a fine geek.
What I think about when I'm visiting family: Bloggers.
What I think about when I'm visiting friends: A tiny bit about bloggers, but mostly about what an awesome or not awesome time I'm having with my friends.
What I think about when I'm watching movies at home or at the theater: Bloggers. Especially if a blogger recommended the movie.
What I think about when I'm watching Top Chef: RW. :P And B. And how fucking hot Tom and Padma are.
What I think about when I'm coding web pages: Bloggers.
What I think about when I'm doing a work project: The project.
What I think about when I'm staring into Hay's eyes: Hay.
What I think about when I'm hugging my kittos: My kittos.
What I think about when I'm [ ...censored... ]: [ comment... ]

1. I am AD[H]D. Seriously. Just undiagnosed.
2. I think about you all a lot.
3. I like it that way.
4. Avi needs to hurry up and get his shit together so I can post about him again. (A random conclusion not exactly based on the list above.)

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I should be making dinner...

...but instead I am catching up on the 73 emails that piled up in my blog email inbox. Car-azy.

FYI, I know I'm gorgeous so please stop sending me emails telling me so. It's just sad. (S) ;)

FYI 2, I still love turkey pepperoni. I should still eat a proper dinner, though.

FYI 3, work is still INSANE. Loves it, though. LOVES it.

FYI 4, there's really a TV show called Band in a Bubble. A band writes their album while trapped in a glass home where everyone can see them in person and on the web aLL. tHE. tIME. I'd have walked out day one.

I had a dream.

In my dream someone from work posted a link to my blog on their work blog. Except it wasn't anyone I ever expected to find this blog, it was (well, someone else). In my dream I resolved to not mind that they learned my secret identity. In real life I'm starting to wonder if everyone from work isn't already reading it anyway. They seem to know about my life before I tell them.

Not part of my dream, instead a reality: A morning full of meetings and projects that will keep me away from you all. Good meetings and projects, bad keeping me away from you all.

PS - I have 42 new blog related messages and only one of them was a comment on my blog. Should I bring a towel?

Monday, June 18, 2007

Snake charmer

If you don't like snakes don't watch this. If you don't not like snakes then watch this.

This could be considered a fetish. Technically.

Dear Bravo,

I want you to keep producing new episode after new episode of Top Chef so that I am never left without a new one to watch. I offer nothing in return. Thank you.


PS - I wanna dry hump Tom and Padma. But, really just their eyes. And that's probably gross. Is that gross? Yah... Although, not grosser than some of the food on that show.

What would you do?

If you found out that someone you like very much and thought liked you very much in fact didn't like you at all how would you react to that situation? Answer for both a platonic and a love relationship.

My answers...
Platonic: Screw them. Fuckers.
Love: Screw them. Fuckers. (Wheeeeeeeee! :)



I like gravy, and this time I mean it.

I gave my dance video clips to Crys. Today she's yelling at everyone for not submitting danceoff material to her, but I love it when she yells so it's okay that she is yelling even though she has my footage.

I can't wait to see what she does with my clips, because for half of them I am deeeeeeee-runk (as drunk as a girl can be on two whole [12 oz?] beers) and for the other footage I'm stone cold sober. Not sure which she'll use, but if she doesn't use the drunk stuff I'll post it here for you all to see. :)

And I can't help that I like gravy. I'd drink the stuff if it were socially acceptable. Sometimes I do drink it at home. When Hay isn't looking. Another one of those things I do in secret. :D

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Paul Potts won Britain's Got Talent

Because, duh, he has mad talent.

More info at Now Magazine.

I'll post video when I find it. :)

Thanks again to RW who alerted me to Paul's existence and made me cry at work.

Update: RW left me a comment with a link to Paul's myspace page which links to the YouTube video of his winning performance. Here it is:

Also, a video of the announcement of his win:


I'm a giver!

Happy Father's Day to the fathers! My gift to you is that I'm wearing a white t-shirt and the forecast for today is thunderstorms.

Coffee, tea, or SGP?

It's just a courtesy question. The only answer is: SGP. I took 398 photos this past week but have selected 126 for your viewing pleasure. Take the time to look at them carefully. Enjoy them like a fine wine, cheeseburger, piece of chocolate, or beautiful man/woman.

Or don't, c'est à vous. But if you wanna, here they are. And this week's teaser:

Flowering hen and chicks!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

A countain (which is a mixture of, I think, countdown and fountain, although I have no idea why)

And it now occurs to me that I mixed countdown with contain, which makes more sense -- a contained countdown. Yes, yes, what I meant all along.

So, what we've learned today, friends, is that (Mel, sweetie, are you paying attention?):
    1. It's time to move far, far away from the next door relations.
    2. I have a new fetish.
    3. When I say dirty things on video they sound cute instead of dirty.
    4. I don't like being kissed by anyone but hot boys who I invite to kiss me. And perhaps the occasional hot girl when I'm intoxicated. But NOT my relations and not random people.
    5. Bees can have lime green heads.
    6. Siamese cats can look stupid but act smart.
    7. It'd be easier if I used ordered list code here but I'm not.
    8. If you tell one of your relations that he's acting angry he will then proceed to epiphany in front of your very eyes and you'll have to patiently wait and smile while he works through it.
    9. I don't actually like pie, I just like to say I do.
    10. I can't wait to tell someone in particular about one of these items because I'm curious what that person will say.
    11. Poppy is a Cylon reborn as Poppet for those residing in parts of Canada and a particular cheese-producing state where there are tornado warnings. For everyone else I am still Poppy.
    12. I have a lot of friends. Like, a lot. Like, at least two. Maybe 100. (Is 100 a lot?) I could name them all but then I'd have to kill you.
    13. When you're muttering to yourself at the dinner table in front of your family someone is bound to notice and ask you what you're saying so you better have an answer prepared.
    14. I really enjoy listing things because crossing things off is fun. This isn't that kind of list, however.
    15. I take too many pictures.
I would appreciate your insight into this matter. And by this matter I mean any of it.

Meat market on wheels

While I was just on the phone with a friend (shhhhhhhhh, don't tell anyone I actually use the phone!!!) there was a pounding-on-window noise. I thought it was Hay outside trying to get me to come out to look at the neighbor cat who was camped out under the bird feeder but he ran inside and asked me what the banging was. I said I didn't know, thought it was him. I continued to speak with my friend while Hay frantically searched for the noise. Turns out some random guy had wandered into our garage, knocked on the door leading into the house, and was trying to (wait for it) sell us steak and chicken. From a truck. In 90 degree weather. Gross.

If Jolie and Jon had babies they'd be Jonjolie-naked*

I had no idea Angelina Jolie and Jon Stewart were such good friends. Although, to be fair, I just assumed Ange was a robot and didn't have friends, she just had sex. My mind has been opened...

*Yah, I was trying to make a Nair joke, but it doesn't quite work.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Poppppppppppies - the XXX rated video

There are so many poppies that I can't fucking stand it so I had to make a video:

Please ignore the goofy face at the end. Focus on the flowers, people!

All choked up

I know those of you who read RW's blog have already seen this, but I need to share:

I seriously have tears in my eyes. This is what touches my heart. (And not in a dirty way, so cut that out!) Even Simon claps. Even Simon smiles. Even Simon thinks Paul is amazing. Dammit, tears!

And Dave points out that Paul did it again in the semi-finals:

And not in a good way.

Oh sucks. Sucks, sucks, sux0r sucks. By the way? Sucks.

Why is it that everything has to be so difficult? And )expen$ive(? And no, I can't tell you what I'm talking about, but apply it to your own (personal or professional) life and I'm sure you'll empathize with me.


You are annoying the PISS out of me. Onto your chair if you don't stop.

Tidbitsies without pants

I love watching lightning bugs.

It makes me laugh that some of you have started calling me Poppet.

Hay is really funny. Here we are talking about my back which got a little hurt on Monday during an event I'd rather not admit to. (And no, it's not like "that".)

Hay: Does your back still hurt?
Poppy: Yes.
Hay: It's stress.
Poppy: It's not stress! I had sex with 7 men and 4 women and got a little smooshed.
Hay: What was it, a Gang Bang for Jesus conference?

Where does he come up with this stuff????

For many years of my life spread out throughout my life my hair has been so long that it went down to the small of my back. I tend not to let it get that long anymore. I really only ever let it grow that long because other people liked it and I was trying to please them as well as because I hated going to get my hair cut. Now that I have a stylist I like and a mind of my own I'm cool with getting my hair chopped every 6 weeks to 4 months. :)

I think Tommy Chong's take on celebrity jailtime is hilarious:

There were three bunnies in the far part of the backyard but my camera has a 3x zoom and those bunnies are (I suck at distance judging) ... 200 yards away? I dunno, too far for me to get a decent picture through the patio door since I'm not going outside without pants on.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

In which I rob my friend blind then try to stick my hands in his pants

Yesterday before a meeting I did something I've never done before: I asked someone to buy me a drink. Granted, it was just a soda and it was one of my best friends I was asking, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Which really means that when I left my office without any money I was too lazy to turn around and go get some so I schemed that I would find someone who had money and bum money off of them. The scenario went something like this...

Poppy: *looking at Break Boy's lunch* You don't have a beverage!
Break Boy: I never buy a beverage.
Poppy: Why don't you buy a beverage?
Break Boy: (Poppy was too busy staring into Break Boy's absolutely gorgeous blue eyes to pay any attention to his response)
Poppy: Will you buy me a beverage? *batting eyelashes*
Break Boy: *reaches into pocket and pulls out two dollars, hands them to Poppy*
Break Boy: *reaches back into pocket and pulls out two more dollars, hands them to Poppy*
Break Boy: *reaches into pocket and pulls out one dollar, one quarter, one dime, one penny, hands them to Poppy*
Poppy: Would you care for a beverage?
Break Boy: *nods*
Poppy: For real?
Break Boy: *nods*
Poppy: What would you like?
Break Boy: Surprise me.
Poppy: ... ... ... Really, what do you want me to get you?
Break Boy: *big grin* Surprise me.
Poppy: *big grin* You know I'm going to get you something gross, right?
Break Boy: Part of the surprise!

I ended up getting him something he likes. I gave him back his change. I almost put it in his pocket for him but then came to my senses that I was at work and that my direct supervisor was staring at us. Then of course there's that issue of him accusing me of sexual harassment even though I'm going to his birthday party Sunday.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Two great tastes that don't taste great together!

The words "meat" and "lollipop" should never be uttered in the same sentence. I know it's a Top Chef favorite, but it truly makes me green just to hear it. Say it out loud, blogland: Meat lollipop.

So very very wrong.

A urinary delight

When Dan was 5 he peed on a chicken. When Poppy was 32.885 she peed her pants laughing at the thought of 5-year-old Dan peeing on a chicken.

Everything's coming up poppies

I have nothing intelligble or intelligent to say right now that isn't work related so instead I offer you a pho-to:


Yes, those are in our wildflower garden in the backyard. Hundreds and hundreds of poppies are blooming or about to bloom. Magnificent.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

"I'd rather have my ankles bitten" is not exactly a true statement.*

Dear Monday,

Did you not get the memo that you were supposed to end yesterday? Because today was, like, five times "worse" than yesterday. And yet somehow I still love my job.

But could I please have a break tomorrow? Just a little one? No? *sigh*


*My stream of consciousness is entertaining. Just enjoy it, don't ask it "why?".

I love watching Georgie roll around in the sunbeams. :}

rainbow of feist flavors

That's 1234 by Feist. I give this video two thumbs up for the shooting spiral scene and for the illusion that everything was done in one take when actually the only part that is one take is Feist herself. I think.

That's 1234 by some kids doing a project. :)

If you like Feist she put out a new album, The Reminder, in May. If you don't recognize her she did the song Mushaboom:

If you still don't recognize her then here's a nice, fluffy pillow and a soft blankie you can use to take a nap and dream of your youth.

Monday, June 11, 2007


Am I the only person who took (almost) 33 years to notice that when motorcycle riders pass each other on the road they low five each other?

And I was voted most observant female in 8th grade... pfft.

If anyone can find a source online that explains this fidelity I would appreciate you sharing. I do have biker friends to ask, but I want to read up about it without being a dork and asking them about it.

Update: As ADW points out, it's actually more of a wave, but it's a low wave! No one actually touches anyone else. Can you imagine actually low fiving when you're each travelling at 50 mph in opposite directions? Ow.

Update 2: Hay is awesome and found this post about the secret hand signals. Hay rawks!

Shit, this is fan. Fan, this is shit.


Yaaay, Monday.

Topical Sun

Topic 1
I have absolutely nooooooo strategy whatsoever when it comes to games other than card games. If you have one ounce of strategy and we go head to head at, say, Stratego, you're winning. I know why. It's because I prefer not to know how things are going to end. I like the surprise of it all.

If I'm in a meeting or in the middle of a sticky business problem I have oodles of strategy, oodles of brainstorming ability, walk myself right out of the box, grab the solution, tuck it under my arm, and quietly hand it over to the group.

Sit me down in front of a Rubik's Cube, however, and I'm stuck there indefinitely. Past dinner. Past breakfast. Past my 40th birthday. Past retirement. Except if no one's looking, and then I strategize to take the stickers off and put them "where they belong". :)

This three-year-old girl has way more strategy than I'll ever dream of having, and equally impressive is that she has the dexterity of an adult.

What the hell is in her baby bottle?

Topic 2
Saturday morning I had a dream that the cylons attacked Earth. I never found out if I was a cylon but I do know that my female co-workers did not fare well in the fight. I looked up into the sky and directly above my head I saw the underbelly of the base ship through the dark storm clouds. It was beautiful. I think that means that I am, in fact, a cylon.

Topic 3

Where the good/only gay bar in town used to be? Now a different type of meat bar -- a Papa John's. (No cockroaches, Avi.)

Saturday, June 09, 2007


If you're interested in some photos of a chipmunk storing food please visit my Chippy! set.


Do you think it makes me look crazy to the neighbors when I walk outside in a see-through t-shirt, my cargo pants that want to fall off, and my white socks to chase a partridge across the street to the neighbor's yard?

Yah, probably.

Friday, June 08, 2007

When will you learn?

Paris Hilton is being sent back to jail and being told to serve the entire 45 day sentence.

Get the news:
Stop putting yourself on the radar and people will stop bothering you. The End.

And I'm all done talking about this forever. I don't care.

Jenna-Pam is home and walking!

Yeeeeee! Office Tally reports that James Gunn reports that Jenna Fischer is home and walking around.

Go send her love at myspace.

Ilan loves the foam

What you're thinking right now is precisely what I was thinking when I watched Ilan in the Top Chef 4 Star All Stars Season 1 vs. Season 2 showdown. No word yet if he chipped a tooth.

Thanks to TC:TCWD for capturing the image.

Update: I am posting a clearer photo from TC:TCWD. And I still don't know if he chipped a tooth, but I think he thinks it was worth it. :P

Incrememental backup*

If you love Avi but you don't visit him every minute of your life like I do then please direct your attention to this post. Thank you. I know I'm preaching to the choir, but that man is fucking brilliant and that's all I'll say on that.

I've been staring at dance videos on the internets in preparation for my dance-off with Crys. So far I've learned that dancing is hard and that when I watch dance videos I kinda swagger around in my chair and get super excited but it doesn't translate to graceful movement.

Because I was playing with flat penises flats of pansies last night I didn't get to make Mel's video. Sweetie, je vous promets, I am making it this weekend. A little an-tici-pation is GOOD for your horny ass. ;)

I'm about to walk out the door to visit a client who, in retrospect, reeeeeeeally looks like theslyestfox so when I see her I fully intend to ask her, "how was London?" and see what she says.

*I didn't have a clever title and that's the first thing that popped into my head. Happens.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Making my own fun

Oh internets, why are you so dull today?

Granted, I almost made it very interesting for a minute but I chose to back off.

Now all I have to look forward to is planting flats of pansies...

...and doing my smutt video for Mel and my dance video for Crys. Oh, I am giddy. :)

Jeffrey's new line

If you don't care about Project Runway then please ignore this post.

If you do care then go read about and look at Jeffrey Sebelia's new clothing line, which includes clothing for men and women.


CNN claims TMZ claims Paris Hilton freed after three days in jail

Overheard in Poppyland

Scene: Traffic. Hay and Poppy are travelling behind some POS convertible mini car that wreaks of gasoline and has had its right turn blinker on for the last half mile while its driver obliviously keeps turning his balding head toward the side of the road to look at scenery.

Poppy says: Hey Mid Life Crisis, turn your fucking blinker off!
Mid Life Crisis responds: *oblivious*

At least I tried.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Linky love

Because Mr Fab did an entire post dedicated to me I am reciprocating. Fab, this bun's for you:



No killing the teeny tiny bun.

And for the rest of you I give you my walk on the wild side:

That's the rooftop to our data center. Whee! And I'm serious when I mentioned in the past that Avi cured me of my fear of heights.* I looked right over the edge with no vertigo.

*No one, including Avi, remembers me saying that. But I did. You just hafta dig.
Note to self: Take the porn out of the laptop DVD player before using the laptop during a client appointment. Because worrying that the DVD will automagically start playing or that you'll hit the eject button by accident and your client will get an eyeful of boobies (or worse) is really tiring.

Tiny prancer

If I were handing out awards this week Maliavale would win the “most ridiculous and hilarious and scariest post at the very same time” award for posting about tiny ponies with sneakers. Because that shit is funny.

Thanks to Stef for alerting me since I'm too lazy to go visit Malia on a regular basis.

A spiritual coffee moment this morning

As soon as the iced coffee dove from the straw into my mouth my brain sang "NECTAR OF THE GODS". It was weird.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Wow, that was ... slow mo

Menu: If you don't see the beer you're looking for please ask your server! *smile*
Server: Welcome to [Restaurant Name], can I start you off with something to drink? A glass of wine or a coffee?
Poppy: Do you have any oatmeal beer?
Server: *stares at Poppy*
Poppy: *stares at server*
Hay: *stares at Poppy*
Poppy: *gives Hay the "WTF, dude?!" look*
Server: *stares at Poppy*
Poppy: *about to look at her pretend watch*
Server: No, we don't.
Poppy: Okay, I'll have a Newcastle then.
Server: Okay!
Poppy: And an ice water.
Server: Great!

Seriously, it was like 7 seconds of my life wasted in complete silence just because I took the menu's advice. The irony of it all is that this restaurant serves warm bread ahead of the meal which had oatmeal in it so I drank my Newcastle and ate the bread at the same time and it was like having the oatmeal stout I actually wanted. :) I'm resourceful.

Avert your gaze unless you're my neighbor who is related to me

Dear Neighbor-Who-Is-Related-to-Me,

We just had dinner with you two weeks ago and we were invaded by Mom ALL of last week. Forgive me if I am not absolutely THRILLED by the idea that you want to have a debriefing session dinner with us where you can ask what is none of your business ("how's your mom? did she ask about me? does she like her car? I had a dream about her! [GOOD FOR YOU] what did you do with her? how's your mom? [repeat]").

And how about you try remembering how often you actually do see us instead of bitching and complaining about how you never see us at all? YOU SEE US PLENTY. MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THE FUCKING* PLANET. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE FOR TWO FUCKING* SECONDS. IT'S SUMMER AND I'M FUCKING* BUSY.


~ Poppy

*Those were for Avi since he seems to think I say "fuck" a lot.


I am jonesing for some Starbuck.

Messy hair and all...

Mundane train (aka zomg bored!!!!)

Because I seem to have had a creative stroke and I'm a total copycat, here's me being bored all evening last night:

Okay, so I laugh sometimes. The one time when Hay's shirt comes into the frame is when I was reading LA Rag Mag and was staring at totally NSFW photos of Danny from Real World: New Orleans.


Monday, June 04, 2007


Comment feed readers: I fixed my comments!! You can now feed read my comments AND click to post a comment. I rock. Joe's fault for trying to help me. Thanks, Joe. :)

Open-faced letter

Dear John Krasinski,

I love you.

That is all.


Just another memic Monday VIII

71. Favorite age you have been so far?
19 and 32 tie for first place and I will not elaborate on why because it's private.

72. Your worst enemy?
My true nemesis was Tuxedo Mask until he fell in love with Serena. Now I have two that tie in all enemy categories: General Zod and Emperor Ming.

73. Current image on your desktop.
Avi's puppy. (Ha, made you look!)

74. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"I don't sleep, I dream; I'll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really mean." (REM)

75. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly?
How am I supposed to feed a million bucks? And that wasn't even a complete sentence! You left me hanging!! I hate that.

76. Do you like someone?
Yes. But don't tell him! That'd be soooo embarrassing!!!

77. What was the last song you listened to?
Chocolate ~ Snow Patrol

78. If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, would you jump in front of the bullet?
I guess we'll have to wait and see.

79. If you could punch one person in your life right now, who would it be?
A clown. Just a random one.

80. What is the closest object to your left foot?
This is the big finale question?! Somebody needs a lesson in story arcing...

And so concludes this meme. To see all the parts (backwards) go here.

Just another memic Monday VII

61. Do you "label" yourself as anything?
What does "label" mean? Does that mean wrap myself in Saran wrap? Because that's fun.

62. Name the shoe brand you are wearing.
How do you wear a shoe brand?

63. Bright or Dark room?
Elvis, baby! (That'd be Dark.)

64. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
I think she's pretty rad, and yet I still don't have her in my blogroll. Why is that?

65. What were you doing at midnight last night?
You're hoping you caught me having sex, aren't you. I was dreaming about you, meme!

66. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say?
K telling me about being compromised in a Blockbuster parking lot. (Yah, really, that was the last one. No texting love in a while.)

67. Where is your mailbox?
Is this code for Oprah's vajayjay? (Fast forward to 5:00.)

68. What's a phrase that you say a lot?
I'm sure this is more apparent to the people around me who are sick of me saying certain phrases. Anyone?

69.Who told you he/she loved you last?
Hay. While we were 69'ing, coincidentally! (Because this is question #69. Keep up, people!)

70. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Lots and lots of Tylenol. I freebase it. I don't know what freebasing is exactly, but I'm sure I do that.

Just another memic Monday VI

51. Ever had a black eye?
I think I actually have, but from getting hit in the nose or something. Don't really remember. I do remember being stung on my eyelid by a yellow jacket and consequently being afraid of any type of bee-like creature for the next 10 years. I'm fine with them now.

52. Where do you rent your movies?
Netflix. Exclusively.

53. Have you ever worn fishnet stockings?
Yes, for a home viewing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. My hot roommate ripped them off me later that same evening.

54. Do you know anyone in prison?
Not currently, but I have.

55. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
"Bruce Vilanch is kinda gay..."

56. How much cash do you have on you?
You're going to try to mug me, aren't you. Let me remind you that I know how to defend myself, so it'd be in your best interest to back the fuck off. :)

57. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR"?
DOOR! I won something, didn't I?!?!?!? YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!

58. Favorite planet?
Pluto, bitches!!!!

59. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile?
Me. Yes, I call myself. What?

60. What shirt are you wearing?
My RAWR kitty shirt. Okay, for reals, my Princeton shirt. Yah, I went to Princeton. For a weekend. To have sex with my boy. What?

Memics concluding

I can't stand it anymore, I'm publishing the rest of the meme answers today.

Just another memic Monday V


42. Last person you talked with on the phone?
My mommy.

43. Do you own anything with a skull on it?
An entire collection of Skeletor action figures must count for something...

44. Have you traveled to Europe?
Yes. Do I win a prize?!

45. Name three people you would trust with your life:
I have trust issues. (I had an answer with three people prepared, but I don't trust one of the people anymore so that just proves I shouldn't name names.)

46. Last movie you watched?
The Departed in whole; Office Space in part.

47. Where were you when you had your first kiss?
On my bed, under a boy.

49. Last board game you played?
Candy Land. The new version. Which totally sucks.

50. Leather or lace?
I refuse to acknowledge this question on the grounds that it is a stupid question with only stupid answers. If you'd care to rephrase I might reconsider. (My alternate answer: Black velvet.)

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Skip explained

Because I seem to be incapable of telling a story anymore I will use bullet points to describe why Hay and I didn't go to the wedding today:
  • I worked with the bride but no longer do
  • The bride is greedy
  • The bride annoys me
  • The bride is a slacker
  • The bride has a spontaneous whistling/singing habit that irritates me into a place in my head where it is safe, and even there I don't feel safe anymore
  • The bride stabs backs
  • The bride makes promises she does not keep
  • The bride is rude
  • The bride uses people
  • The bride takes advantage of others' kindness
  • The bride is always late
  • The bride plays the victim if confronted over any issue
  • The bride likes to hear herself talk
  • The bride has an obnoxious laugh
  • The bride uses her faith to get out of life situations but secretly she just doesn't want to do stuff
  • The bride never finishes what she starts
  • The bride is not my friend
  • The bride criticizes me about my appearance inward and out despite her own appearance inward and out being several large steps back from spectacular
  • The bride will never see me again
  • The bride will not have missed me at her wedding
  • If she did then that's even better.

~ The End ~

"You kicked my penis!"

We're catching up on Lettermans in reverse order. The first of the Mac vs. PC spoofs made us laugh really hard.

Helping an internetser out

In case the one person who found my blog with keyword search "what's the name of the song brandon norris clogging so you think you can dance" returns, it's called Lose Control by Missy 'Misdemeanor' Elliott featuring Ciara and Fatman Scoop. You're welcome.

QT, snacked, SGP, skipped

My parents finally left for their home very early this morning after an entire week of totally invading my personal space. When Hay and I woke up I was excited to spend some quality time with him. He was excited to give me a wet Willie (my first one ever, so I guess that's a plus) and go play a zombie game.

Dawg keeps snacking on me like I'm awesome or something, when in fact he is the one who is awesome.

Okay, got your fleur set uploaded. Teaser:


Go see flickr for all 48 photos.

The best part of the day is to come: Hay and I are intentionally skipping a wedding. We're going to get all dressed up in our wedding gear (since we have it), go within a tenth of a mile of the wedding site and have coffee, then go home. CHEERS! B, it's the bird lady getting married and this is our ultimate vindication. If anyone thinks I'm kidding about any part of this you're sorely mistaken.

Saturday, June 02, 2007


What does it mean if you dream that all three bathrooms of a house that isn't your own are full so you cordon off the TV room and take a big messy crap in two corners of the room?

I'm not saying this happens to me, I'm just asking what that might mean for someone. Other than myself. Like... One of the kitties. Or something.

Friday, June 01, 2007


It annoys me greatly when trade books have mistakes in them.

If I may, I am going to call out a particular A+ Certification reference guide whose first prep test states:
    When looking for information related to the problem, which of the following is not considered to be a good source? Choose all that apply.

    A. Vendor manuals
    B. Service documentation
    C. Internet Web pages related to the product
    D. Competitive knowledge base

My answer: D

The book's WRONG answer:
    A, B, C. When looking for an answer related to a vendor's product, you might find some information on a competitor's knowledge base, but this is not typically going to be a good source of reference for you.


Confirmed: BSG ending on 4th season

GMMR reports that Battlestar Galactica will finish with a fourth and final season. To paraphrase: A beginning and middle have been presented to us, and a big bang will end it. :)

I am slightly muttering to myself that everything Avi hooks me on ends shortly after. Perhaps I should stop listening to him so you all can keep enjoying your shows. Sadly, I have no immediate plans to stop heeding his sage advice.

Fuck. a. duck.

Poor ducks, I'm always telling people to do fowl things to them. (Snark!)

That's Brandon Norris clogging to a bit of Missy on So You Think You Can Dance. I find his fluid movement entertaining, despite what the judges and Rickey thought.

Make Poppy Say Anything

Mr. Fab, I told you I preferred that movie over Love, Actually and I meant it. I love me some John Cusack.

Everyone, I have opened myself up to the challenge: Here's your opportunity to be creative. You send me something to read that is chock full of your favorite swears and I'll vlog it. Submit your scripts, poems, stories, etc. by three minutes ago and I'll add it to the pile of vlogologue (since no one will be acting with me it will be a video blog monologue). Please submit original works only, I don't want to get arrested for kicking a cop in the groin because he tried to tell me to take my video down.

I am labelling this as a contest, but everyone is a winner. Except those of you who send me things that I don't want to say. Because then you lose.

So far my only submission is ACW wanting me to say "shitcock" and "douchewhistle" which to me is child's play. I say those to the pretty lady who gives me my meds every morning!

How to submit: Click on my profile and then use the e m a l i:) link (donut forget to remove the d--ashes). Or, use your address book because I know I'm in it!!!!@!~~~!!. And no, I won't vlog naked or partially naked. QUIT ASKING. :P (Mel, this was not directed at you. Promise. But the photo is.)

If no one submits anything by three minutes ago (or a reasonable amount of time) then I'm cancelling the contest. Not a threat, just my legal contract mumbo jumbo opt-out clause.

News flash

DAMMIT!!! I wanna say something here but I can't. I AM BEING CENSORED! EFFING A. Clearly not being profanity censored, just thought censored.

I'm going to make a vlog of me just saying swear words because some of you like that.

I need a nap.