Make Poppy Say Anything

Mr. Fab, I told you I preferred that movie over Love, Actually and I meant it. I love me some John Cusack.

Everyone, I have opened myself up to the challenge: Here's your opportunity to be creative. You send me something to read that is chock full of your favorite swears and I'll vlog it. Submit your scripts, poems, stories, etc. by three minutes ago and I'll add it to the pile of vlogologue (since no one will be acting with me it will be a video blog monologue). Please submit original works only, I don't want to get arrested for kicking a cop in the groin because he tried to tell me to take my video down.

I am labelling this as a contest, but everyone is a winner. Except those of you who send me things that I don't want to say. Because then you lose.

So far my only submission is ACW wanting me to say "shitcock" and "douchewhistle" which to me is child's play. I say those to the pretty lady who gives me my meds every morning!


How to submit: Click on my profile and then use the e m a l i:) link (donut forget to remove the d--ashes). Or, use your address book because I know I'm in it!!!!@!~~~!!. And no, I won't vlog naked or partially naked. QUIT ASKING. :P (Mel, this was not directed at you. Promise. But the photo is.)

If no one submits anything by three minutes ago (or a reasonable amount of time) then I'm cancelling the contest. Not a threat, just my legal contract mumbo jumbo opt-out clause.

Because I am a giving person

I am posting about the Pinks and Blues contest for a Dooney & Bourke bag and some Victoria's Secret perfume in the hopes that if I do win I can give this gift to Tug. :)

If you would like to enter then go visit Pinks and Blues, leave a comment, then link back to their post on your blog. Good luck!

Graduation day

To all the people who took the quiz: Thank you. :) I had no idea how impossibly hard it was for everyone but me. It seemed pretty easy because I know what has happened to me and I know what hasn't, but clearly I am somewhat of a master/mistress deceiver?

I'll give answers plus explanations then at the very bottom I give rights and wrongs for each person who took the quiz and, of course, reveal the "winner".

Answers:
1. Arrived in Belgium at 1:30am with no local currency and no way of contacting the people I was staying with.
True. After missing the hydrofoil because a motorcyclist was decapitated on the motorway I had to quite literally take the slow boat from England to Belgium. Rather than arriving at 6:00pm I arrived at 1:30am. Somehow when I arrived my boyfriend and his host family were magically waiting for me. I blame telepathy.

2. Ate an entire package of ramen noodles before realizing there were bugs in it.
False. This actually happened to my friend who was making the noodles for his daughter. He realized there were bugs in it before he fed the noodles to her. I promise!

3. Ate raw onions as a snack when I was a kid.
False. I hated onions as a kid. I absolutely adore them now and plan to eat them exclusively when I move in with Molly at the brothel.

4. Attempted to kill my brother.
True. When I was 10 my brother was over at my house doing his best to intentionally bother me. I became so enraged that I took a pillow and attempted to smother him with it. He laughed at me the entire time I had the pillow over his face. Fucker. (I love my brother now, but back then we were mortal enemies.)

5. Been attacked by ostriches.
True. In Arizona at an ostrich farm on the way back from the Grand Canyon. Ostriches are mean.

6. Been allergic to adhesive tape since I was 27.
True. I had exploratory surgery after which adhesive tape was placed on my stomach to hold a bandage over the incisions. My stomach got a nasty rash from the adhesive. The only place on my body I can now wear a non-hypoallergenic bandage is on any of my fingers.

7. Been in an earthquake.
True. Several, actually.

8. Been on cable TV.
False. I once was on closed circuit TV for a book report in 5th grade and there ends my television career.

9. Been sent to my room for not eating shark at dinner.
True. My mother tried to feed me shark without telling me what it was. I asked her what it was, she told me, and I refused to eat it. I did not get to watch “Little House on the Prairie” as punishment for not eating a scary-ass “animal”. How is that fair?

10. Been threatened at knife point.
True. By my sister, no less. Apparently I was bothering her just a little too much that day and she decided she couldn't take it anymore so she grabbed a kitchen knife and pointed it at me. I don't remember being scared, I just remember wondering how much the knife was going to hurt. She didn't stab me.

11. Been to Madison Square Garden.
True. Watched Larry Bird totally tromp the Hawks. Go Celtics!

12. Broke into a farm with my babysitter and Basset Hound.
True. My babysitter brought us through the forest, across a 4-lane highway, and under an active electric fence so we could break into the local university’s farm. This action coupled with her theft of several collectible coins from my mother’s boyfriend led to her being fired.

13. Caught my friend’s fiancée cheating on him with my hot roommate.
True. I heard them doing it. Granted, I did not see them doing it, but I know what doing it sounds like and there was a new condom in his garbage can after. And since she never copped to this or asked me not to tell I’m not counting this as a secret I should have kept. Bitch.

14. Eaten an entire pound of bacon in one sitting.
True. Several times, in fact. One of the local convenience store delis puts an entire pound of bacon on their BLTs if you get the large size. Yummmmmmmm.

15. Eaten three plates of veal parmigiana in one sitting.
False. I do not eat baby animals. Definitely not veal. I’ve been to a veal farm…

16. Gave a classmate a bloody nose with my floor hockey stick.
True. Totally by accident. Brought my stick up and he happened to be directly behind me. About three minutes after that one of his friends took vengeance upon me and hit me with his stick.

17. Had a chat with Spaulding Gray about life, the universe, and everything.
True. Directly after a show he performed at one of our playhouses he came out in the auditorium and the only people there to talk with him were my crew of friends and me. So we chatted him up for about 20 minutes and then left. I was very sad to learn he committed suicide.

18. Had a friend from middle school (who was threatened at knife point by her cousin) who later became my cousin-in-law through marriage.
True. Her husband is Hay’s cousin. :) She is fine. Her knife-wielding cousin? I don't know.

19. Had an anxiety attack at the movie theater while watching the first 10 minutes of War Games and had to leave.
True. My brother was severely pissed at me for making him leave and at the theater for not redeeming our money even though it was crystal clear I wasn’t doing well.

20. Had my brother attempt to kill me.
True. I was 11, he was 17 and high on illicit substance(s). He threw me up against a wall at the top of the stairs and threatened to throw me down them. I chose to act passively in that situation which I’m pretty sure saved me from being paralyzed or dead.

21. Had sex in all three of my boyfriend’s siblings’ beds (with my boyfriend, not the siblings).
True. Sorry to his siblings. His sister’s bed was the most fun. (Hey, Goldie Locks had a favorite bed, too!)

22. Had sex in a cow pasture.
True. With cows in it! But I didn’t have sex with cows, I had sex with a guy. The gay guy from my first 50 things. He was incredibly spontaneous.

23. Have a brother and a sister.
True. I never talk about my sister because that situation is very complicated. She is not my sister through blood and she was disowned by part of my family, but we are still sisters and the rest of our family can STFU about it. She named her daughter after me, for crying out loud!

24. Held a gun.
False. I’ve never held a gun. (I don’t mean a toy gun.)

25. Jumped off the roof of my family home because my brother was annoying me.
False. I’ve been on a garage roof before but never a house roof, and you couldn’t pay me enough to jump off because heights give me vertigo. Edit: Or at least they used to. They didn't last weekend when I was working on the boat. I'm still not intentionally jumping off any roofs unless my life is in danger because I could get really hurt doing that and it doesn't sound like a smart idea.

26. Jumped out of a moving car when I was mad at my dad.
False. My sister did that. Twice. I never did that. You can now probably guess which part of the family disowned her.

27. Kissed another guy to make my boyfriend jealous.
False. I cheated on the first love of my life because I'm a horndog, but I’ve never done this act.

28. Learned Spanish in college so that I could learn how to call my roommate a whore without her knowing what I was saying.
False. Although I was thinking of my friend’s fiancée when I came up with this.

29. Lived in the same state as a blogger on my blog obsession list.
False. There is one person on my extended blogroll who would make it to my blog obsession list if she posted more frequently!!!! And then this statement would be true.

30. Made out with a gay guy at a gay bar.
True. Up against a wall. He was up against the wall. I was pouncing on him. It was consensual, by the way. And it was the gay guy from my first 50 things. Only been with the one gay guy.

31. Made out with a lesbian at a gay bar.
False. I’ve actually never made out with a lesbian. Two straight girls and a bisexual friend, but never a lesbian. And definitely never at a gay bar because I’ve seen the look in the eyes of the ladies there. They’re waiting to eat me up. :)

32. Played on the softball team ‘The Red Hots’ in elementary school and won the state softball championship.
False. I did play on a softball team called ‘The Red Hots’ when I was eight but we lost every game.

33. Purchased five lobsters from the grocery store for the purposes of setting them free and then realizing I had nowhere to actually set them free. Hmm.
False. Although I’ve daydreamed of doing this I understand that my geographic location makes this not a well thought out plan. The next time I’m near the ocean I might do it, though. ;)

34. Read a very dirty parrot joke in a Playboy at age 6.
True. Naughty parrot!

35. Ridden a motorcycle.
False. I was offered a ride by my mom’s boyfriend at age 8 but I was too terrified. There’s a college kid associated with Hay’s business who just started riding. If that yummy boy ever asks me to ride on his motorcycle you bet I’m saying yes. (RAWR.)

36. Sat in on Canadian Parliament.
True. I was in Ottawa for a Canadian Studies trip. After politicking we had a beer party and a fancy dinner. Delish!

37. Stretched my arms directly after sex and ended up accidentally falling off the left side of the bed onto my right side. (Spinny!)
True. With those details how could it not be? I laughed pretty hard after the initial shock wore off. The lights were off so I did not understand what had just happened until Hay turned his bedside lamp on.

38. Taught my 5-year-old cousin the Macarena.
False. I do have a cousin who is 27 years younger but I’ve never tried to teach her how to dance because she is the one who teaches me to dance. Ballerina!

39. Threw a lawn dart at my brother’s head which unfortunately connected.
False. This is Hay’s unfortunate tale. He threw one at his sister and it stuck in her head. That was before Jarts were made illegal. :)

40. Threw water balloons at passing cars and had one of the drivers chase after me.
False. I was in my boyfriend’s Taurus when someone threw a water balloon at his windshield. He backed up to try to find the kids, but didn’t see them.

41. Took a girl I was babysitting to the mall and accidentally lost her for 15 minutes. (I had to ask Customer Service to call her name over the loud speaker. :D )
False. I’ve only ever babysat my cousins (as a kid) and my friends’ kids (as an adult). My mom lost me in a store once and had to have Customer Service call me over to their desk. She also lost my brother at a fair once and forever after kept him on a leash in public places until he was 9. Poor “Chip”.

42. Took gymnastics as a chunky 8-year-old.
True. I even did a cat’s cradle off the uneven bars, didn’t understand how to rotate, fell down, and knocked the wind out of myself! Chubby little girls in leotards are SO SEXY.

43. Tripped in Fenway stadium and almost broke my wrist.
False. I’ve been to Fenway several times (and going again in September!!!!!!@@~!@!!11~~!11) but I’ve never ever tripped there.

44. Walked into a room before I realized its floor was covered in maggots.
True. I interned at the vet’s for a summer when I was 16. There was a dog in one of the cages who was rotting from the inside. Maggots crawled out of him and across the holding room floor. I even remember what shoes, pants, and socks I was wearing that fateful day. Gah.

45. Was allergic to strawberries until the age of 28.
True. The seeds used to make me very sick. I somehow got over that. Good thing, because I love strawberries.

46. Was failing the class anyway so didn’t bother showing up to my organic chemistry final.
False. I did go to my orgo final and failed it with purpose. I did not go to my physics final, however. I was depressed that semester and was incapable of learning anything to do with scientific lecture. I got A’s in both labs, though!

47. Watched my boyfriend’s father hit his sister.
True. And I FAR-EAKED OUT on all three of them. To them it was something normal that their dad did to them if he was mad at them. NOT COOL and I made that known.

48. Watched my neighbor slide on her knees across a Slip n’ Slide and cut her knee open on glass.
True. Her wound was “breathing” and traumatized me for life. I never returned for more Slip n’ Slide time.

49. Weighed 133 pounds in 4th grade.
True. I was a husky child. My weight has tended to fluctuate pretty severely all my life based on my emotional situation. Sad but true. Currently I’m happy as a clam so my weight is perfect for me. I blame this happiness on blogging.

50. Written a poem about a boy I crushed on that my mom found while cleaning my room.
True. It was titled “Jake” which was the real name of the boy. No pulling one over on my mom if I name the poem after the boy I complain about on a daily basis. :)


Rights and Wrongs:
In the order the quiz was taken...
(I am aware that there is a big gap here. Big gaps are fun. Keep scrolling down so that I can go outside instead of fighting with blogger. Thank you.)

Participant	Wrong	Right
Avi	4, 6, 7, 10, 11, 12, 13, 17, 21, 23, 47	15, 25, 29, 31, 33, 39, 40, 43, 46
Bearette	5, 6, 9, 14, 17, 21, 22, 23, 30, 36, 44, 49	2, 3, 15, 25, 26, 31, 40, 46
ACW	1, 7, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 16, 23, 49, 50	2, 8, 27, 28, 29, 35, 39, 40, 43
Molly	4, 5, 7, 10, 12, 15, 19, 20, 23, 25, 36, 44	3, 26, 29, 31, 39, 40, 40, 41, 46
DLil	7, 11, 14, 19, 21, 23, 30, 34, 42, 44, 48, 49, 50	3, 15, 25, 28, 38, 40, 46
B	5, 7, 11, 16, 17, 23, 44, 45, 48, 49	2, 8, 24, 25, 29, 31, 32, 35, 39, 46
Kristen	5, 9, 10, 13, 14, 17, 19, 21, 22, 23, 36, 44, 45, 48, 50	15, 26, 28, 31, 39
SourPuss	1, 4, 6, 9, 10, 12, 14, 17, 20, 21, 23, 30, 45	2, 8, 15, 25, 31, 32, 33
Stef	4, 5, 7, 9, 10, 11, 14, 17, 19, 20, 23, 36, 44, 45, 47	24, 26, 31, 35, 46
MIL/Lisslo	5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 12, 14, 17, 23, 36, 44, 48, 49	2, 24, 28, 31, 32, 35, 39
Mel	6, 7, 9, 10, 14, 17, 19, 20, 23, 34, 36, 42, 44, 45, 48, 49	2, 3, 25, 32, 39
Tug	5, 6, 7, 9, 14, 16, 17, 19, 22, 23, 30, 44, 45, 47, 49	2, 15, 24, 33, 46
KnittingSchmoo	6, 7, 12, 13, 17, 22, 30, 36, 44, 45, 48, 49	2, 3, 25, 29, 33, 40, 41, 46
Liz	7, 14, 17, 23, 30, 34, 36, 44, 45, 47, 49	2, 3, 15, 24, 27, 32, 38, 40, 46
Spéncèr	6, 9, 11, 17, 21, 23, 36, 37, 42, 44	2, 3, 15, 25, 31, 32, 33, 35, 38, 43

I am amused that only KnittingSchmoo did not choose #23 as a false answer. The rest of you (except B who thought it was a trick question) think I don't have a sister which means I clearly don't talk about her enough/ever. I am also amused (don't ask me why) that only Avi, ACW, and SourPuss believed that I had been in a room where the floor was covered in maggots. So gross, try not to let it happen to you. :)


Winners:
B and Spénce both got 10 out of 20 correct so they both get a prize!

B is receiving a selection of LUSH bath bombs because she loves them and deserves them. Spénce is receiving cold, hard PayPal cash to go toward the purchase of his new uncrappycamera. He would have received a gift certificate to a lovely little shop that sells yummy treats but they don't let me order gift certificates online so we'll have to pretend that's what I did. :)

phoning it in

Today is the last day to do the contest. B is still winning by one.

My morning has sucked ass so far. I'm hoping the rest of the day improves. I don't have much hope until this evening, but we'll see what we see.

Regarding last night's super-sized Office: Hay and I kept wondering who the hell wrote that episode because basically none of the characters were acting like themselves. Very odd... Well, except Kelly who was rocking out to the cell phone rendition of My Humps.

Not BaNaL!

Did I mention Barenaked Ladies has a new album called Barenaked Ladies Are Men? They do! Hay and I bought it over the weekend. I've listened to it exactly one time, but not because it isn't any good. I just have been cramming my Veronica Mars episodes.

Also, in the very near future HAY AND I ARE GOING TO SEE THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS! I have seen the Johns in concert before but it's been 15 years. I have their autographs which my hot roommate got me back in college when they stayed at the hotel he worked at. The autographs sit quietly in the safe but I really should frame them and put them on the wall.


And, just so you're not wondering forever and a day, if you do not see your name on this list then your quiz did not successfully send to me: Avi, Bearette, ACW, Molly, DLil, Bdogg, Kristen (sarkasmo), SourPuss, Stef, MIL/Lisslo, Mel, Tug, KnittingSchmoo, and Liz.

Spéncèr, you know why you're not on this list.

Anyone else, even if I don't know you, you are so entirely welcome to take the quiz. I want you to. Please. I love grading things. Like a lot. So go do it! :)

When I post the answers I will also post which ones you all got correct. Let me just say that I am amused by the patterns of which items people think are false.

YAR!

Sunday I went to the marina to help a colleague wash his boat. No euphemisms there, I really did wash a boat. Or at least I pretended to. :)

I was tired from the night before (when I woke up by mistake at 4:30am and felt awful) so I slept in until 9:00am, got showered and dressed, then headed out at 9:30am which was technically the time I was supposed to be at the marina to wash the boat. Oops. Instead of heading directly there I went to Starbucks and ordered two venti iced cafe mochas without whipped cream and went on my merry way. I took the back way to the marina, but at the very last long road there was a sign indicating that the bridge from "here" to "there" was out, so I had to backtrack several miles to the other back road and go down that instead.

When I finally did arrive to the marina an hour late there were only crappy jobs left. Let's face it, when the goal is to wash a boat there are only crappy jobs to be done, but because I was so late I was told to climb a 20 foot ladder, go into the cabin, grab a disintegrated sponge, and start wiping down wood surfaces. I'll just mention that disintegrated sponges cause more of a mess than actually clean anything, so I was silently crossing my fingers that I would get out of this job. And then Captain Jack arrived to ask, "is there anyone who wants to do a job on their stomach 20 feet in the air?" I quickly yelled, "I do, I do!" so off I went with Captain Jack.

Turns out the job he wanted me to do was to affix letters and numbers to the side of the boat, but there was scaffolding under the section where he wanted me to do this so he had me climb down the 20 ft ladder, climb up the 12 ft scaffolding and then do the letters. I'm kind of a lopsided person (life is at a tilt for me) so I stuck the letters and numbers on very crookedly, and showed off my stellar affixing job. Captain Jack loved it, said it looked like they were going over a wave. :)

While I was on the scaffolding I noticed three dogs, two of which were Captain Jack's, but one that I'd never seen before. I figured out how to get off the scaffolding without dying then met up with the doggies -- Annie, a Jack Russell Terrier; Max, a Yellow Lab; Oddball, a Black Lab. Annie and Max belong to Captain Jack but Oddball belonged to a random girl who was at the marina with her parents and was just looking for some new friends. For the rest of my time at the marina I basically dogsat, kidsat (as in kept the girl out of everyone else's way), and filled lots of buckets of water to pass to people who were actually cleaning the boat.

Okay, and after all those words, let's get to the photos and the videos, shall we?

Videos:

Annie wags her tail	Annie takes the lead
Oddball and Max sniff around	Canadian geese honk (really audio only)

Photos:




The entire O Captain My Captain photo set is over at flickr.


One last thing: Go do the contest. Correctly. Please. Thank you. :)

catastic

Fact: Ripley is cute.

This is my last word post until Tuesday. Hope you have a happy Monday. I'll be reading blogs tomorrow and will have a lot to say on Tuesday, including a post about cleaning the boat, climbing a 20 ft ladder and 12 ft scaffolding, and caring for three pups.

And, everyone including Spéncèr (hehe): Go do the contest. Choose twenty false statements -- no more, no less.

A bientôt,
Poppy

DON'T STEAL MUSIC, YO!!!!!@@! Or answer the phone at dinner.

And I've been waiting to post this since yesterday so I'm gonna just do it.

It'll make you punch babies:



Also, this one has the music from one of my favorite movies, Clockwatchers:



More videos at Awkward Pictures.

Could everyone please be my friend? Thanks.

sneaky snake

Yesterday I took some photos then promptly lost my camera somewhere in the house. Today I did not have my camera for the birthday party which meant I missed out on about 15 million photo opportunities. While the birthday girl was opening presents I got to steal my friends' camera and take a ton of photos, but I have to wait for them to post my photos (that I just happened to take with their camera) in order to show you any of the cuteness.

After the birthday party Hay and I went to Home Depot to purchase 100 feet of perforated flexible drainage pipe. In case you're wondering, this fits in a Honda Accord if you cut the ties holding it in its circular shape. Don't believe me? Here's the proof:


The full-size images are available at flickr. Hay found my camera 3 seconds after he walked into the house. Wish I'd said something before we left the house. :)


You like your brains eaten. You want to click here. (Okay, so that was dishonest. But isn't that the point?)

50 more things - the contest!!!!!!!!!

I know, today's Thursday, not Monday but I'm ready already! I even have descriptions explaining why each of the 50 things is true or false. I finished my homework ahead of schedule, might as well hand it in. Also, I wasn't counting on Monday being special (thanks to B for the heads up) and I'm going to try my hardest to honor that.

You still have until 11:59pm Eastern Daylight Saving Time on Friday, May 4 (atomic time) to enter the contest.

So that I didn't try to be clever and mistakenly give away hints I used the sort feature in Microsoft Word to sort the 50 more things alphabetically. The order of the items will not give any hints.

Click here to fill out the form. The point is to only checkmark the 20 items you believe are false about me, and therefore not checkmark the 30 things you think are true about me. Please only select 20 because I have to DQ people who just select everything and therefore get all 20 right the cheater way. This is like The Price Is Right - bid the closest without going over. Please also be sure to give me your valid email address so that you are eligible for the prize. Good luck, everyone! And let the delurking begin!


For those scratching their heads: "Contest? What contest?"

CONTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!@~~!111

I really enjoyed how Avi did his 50 things so I've decided to copycat him, but in text form only. Next Monday I will post 50 more things, 30 true and 20 false. Your mission will be to decide which 20 are false (without choosing more than 20) and submit your answers to me. The person who guesses the most false wins a prize. A good prize. Not a car, not a house, not a boat, not a $2200 trip to South Beach, but something good.

Anyone lurking, DELURK and do the contest! :) It'd be totally rad if some people I didn't even know were here played along. With 250-550 visits a day I'm guessing I have some lurkers. So, here's your chance to introduce yourselves! I really like you! I just don't know you!!

Set your clocks for Monday and come back around to fill out your answers. I'll leave the contest up for a week so make sure to get your answers in by Friday, May 4* at 11:59pm Eastern Daylight Saving Time (I will be using atomic time, please do the same).

Yay yay yay!


*Yes, that's a different end date than I put before. I'm an idiot and can't tell what day it is. Luckily my form building helper is smarter than I am.