Dear blog friend,
I am being held against my will. My husband is forcing me to watch the Tom Cruise interview on The Late Show with David Letterman. I asked nicely that he please not make me watch this but he somehow convinced me to just put it off until after dinner. I want my mommy. :(
Sincerely,
Poppy
PS - Tom has really big teeth, is he going to bite me?!
5 comments:
That is grounds for divorce. What a loser! (Tom Cruise, not your husband.)
I just want to let y'all know that I survived, and then we watched another episode with two of my favorite celebs, Michael Keaton and David Sedaris (brother of Amy Sedaris, do I need to say more?!?). So, I'm all better now. :) Except, I forgot my power adapter for my laptop at work when I rushed home for an emergency yesterday, so no more computer for me till I go to work later today and grab the adapter.
Alright, Poppy. Here we go.
Should you find yourself in a similar situation again, fearing that a manic Tom Cruise will a) bite you, forever rendering you susceptible to Scientology, or b) worry he may jump through the screen with Ms. Holmes attached to his back, follow these simple tips:
1) Repeat after me: "I'm on Prozac. I'm on Prozac." Your admission of using psychotropic drugs will render you useless and unappealing to Mr. Cruise, who thinks everyone should be able to overcome clinical depression with Dexatrim.
2) Ask politely, "Can you show me your Oscar?" Confusion and denial should set in. Melting process (a la the Wicked Witch of the West) should commence within 2.4 seconds.
3) Apply Katie Holmes mask, complete with unusally small cherub teeth, to your husband's face. Hide behind him. Tom Cruise should promptly begin making out with your masked husband allowing you to flee to higher ground. Note: Remove husband from environment within two days to avoid imminent Tom Cruise marriage proposal.
4) Quickly remove the couch from your immediate vicinity. All evidence shows that he does not appear a threat in areas where he has no couch to preach from.
5) Insert bike pump into Mr. Cruise's right ear. Inflate to 26 ppsi. Already swollen head should explode. Caution: if mouth is wide open in witch cackle stance at point of combustion, move at great speed for cover. Flying Chiclet teeth have been known to cause injury in laboratory rats and Kidman household.
Good luck.
Wow, Kris, you've been so thorough that I think I'll be able to survive any Tom Cruise situation that presents itself to me! My favorite is to have my husband wear the Katie face. Although, I think I might ask that he use a little Listerine after cuz I don't want Scientology mouth anywhere near me...
Back Slowly Away From Any Scientologist!!!!
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