I always check out the websites of those who post comments on my site. dbhayes posted a comment about the mean people suck post, so I visited the Frozen Toothpaste blog associated with his profile and found a post about falling out with friends. So, I'm taking this as a sign that I really should blog about something that's been bugging me for the past two weeks.
I had a friend, or so I thought. We worked together at a company. It was her first tech job. She had previously been in the restaurant business but wanted to make more money, so she switched to information technology. I taught her everything she knows about computers and how to do computer support. (Really, I'm not bragging about what I taught her. She didn't know anything about computers.) I left that company but I stayed in touch with her. We hung out on occasion, lunches together or visits to our respective homes. She would call me at my new job or email me quite frequently asking how to do certain tasks that I used to do that she was now responsible for completing. I had taught her how to do these tasks, but when you're trying to learn something brand new to you sometimes it doesn't sink in or make sense right away. I was happy to help her.
Over the past few months I've emailed articles or just messages saying hi to her, but she never responded. Recently I emailed her and she told me she was thinking of me, was about to go away on vacation, and maybe we could get together when she's back. I waited for her to return. No email from her. I sent her another email. She didn't return my email. I guess she's done with me.
It would have been "nice" of her to have the decency to just say she doesn't want me in her life anymore, and for what reason. I'm not a creep, I'm not mean, I'm not nosey, I'm not a tyrrant. I'm a very thoughtful and giving friend. I will do nice things for friends without prompting, that's just me. I am very fond of her son and her cat, and get along well (but not "too well" if you catch my drift) with her husband. My husband really enjoys hanging out with her husband because they have similar interests. So, wtf?
When I was growing up I would make friends and then we would move so that was the reason why I was no longer friends with people. Once I tried to keep contact with a friend after moving and it just didn't pan out because we were 10 and didn't quite know how to fight for friendship. In high school I made friends and wondered when I would lose those friends. The end of high school came. We all went to college together. Then we all lived together. Then we all worked together. Now our lives have diverged, but we maintain contact. So, we are still friends. Yes, these are the friends I complained about earlier, but they are my friends. They don't just stop calling or writing. They find some way to stay in my life, and I in theirs.
So, I'm thinking that "friendship" with the person who (apparently) used me for knowledge wasn't actually ever a friendship. It was her sapping me of all of my craft's information so that she could have my job when I left it, and now she's happy to just forget I ever existed. That's shitty.
I resolve from this day forward to no longer try to contact her. She is no longer my friend. I will not speak of her again. I will not try to fight for this "friendship" that was never a friendship to begin with. I am done with feeling this way. I will forgive, but I will not forget.
10 comments:
Thanks for adding my blog :)
Regarding the "friend," I don't think you should take it personally. Chances are she has some kind of issues/problems that she is trying to deal with and that is making her selfish. I agree that you shouldn't waste your time on her, but I wouldn't see it as a reflection on you at all.
Funny, I found that "end of a friendship" piece online about 2 yrs ago when I was going thru a difficult time with a friend (and still am currently). Don't get me started! LOL ... funny re: the above comment about not taking it personally ... I find it's so hard to not take things personally when they directly affect how you feel about something, no? Maybe it's just me. I could talk about friendship issues (with her & in general) forever, but I don't blog about them since she reads it. Maybe she was using you before & maybe she wasn't, but that's not really what's important now. Seems she doesn't want to keep up any effort to stay friends now and those are friends (IMHO) that you don't need. If you want to talk more on the subject in general email me any time! God know my friends are tired of hearing it!
Oh, I wish you had trackback. You've inspired me - I'm going to post about friend situations sometime this week. One of the girls I'm unhappy with is my ex-roommate, the girl I lived with before I moved to my new place. She may or may not read my page, though, I'll be risking it. Anyway, like Jules wrote, it is hard to not take it personally. If you "give yourself" to your friends, and they shaft you, you can't get that back. I dunno. Maybe it doesn't make sense, but that's what I think of it. Move on. I'm glad you've resolved to not contact her. Even if she *does* have stuff going on in her life, that doesn't give her license to be an asshole. If it did, I'd be one every day.
My bf in high school and I lost touch and I contacted her after college. We were talking on the phone a bit and had planned for dinner when she stopped returning my calls. I later saw her at a wedding and boldly asked her what the eff she did that for. (I'll say anything to anyone.) Her response? "Well, I just thought about it and realized that we lead different lives. I'm married with children and you're single, so I'm not sure what we have to talk about."
I will never forget that.
I met my husband at a party thrown by a girl we both went to college with. After I started dating my husband, I never saw her anymore, though I made some effort.
I invited her to our wedding and asked her if she was coming. She was living in Florida at the time. The wedding was in New York. She said, "Well, it's either your wedding or our [college] reunion. So I'm going to the reunion." Obviously, this hurt my feelings.
But it just shows that she's a jerk, and it has nothing to do with me. That's what I mean by not taking it personally.
Oh, JN - that sucks. :( I have recently had contact with one of my high school friends. She is living just an hour away from me now. I got busy and stopped emailing her, but I at least had the courtesy to send her "I'm thinking of you and I promise I'll write later" message. As we've talked about before, it's really hard to make friends in adult life and this "friend" was my first attempt out of college. So, I'm mad at myself for trying so hard and investing my time for no good (for me) reason. I'm very glad that I could teach her a new skill, but the idea of her just using me sours the experience for me...
Jules - I'll gladly talk with you. I'll look up your address and send you an email in a bit.
Bearette - It'd be so nice to not take it personally, but she is doing this to me. She's purging me from her life for an unknown-to-me reason, and now I am defensive that I was somehow a bad friend, even though I taught her so much. Just feels shitty to be "dumped" by a friend. You're right, this person is the way she is and it has nothing to do with me, but my heart and pride are hurt by her action (or, rather, lack thereof). I've never been "dumped" before by a friend.
I know whatcha mean, Bearette. I envy you! I tend to take EVERYTHING personally. (Ask my boyfriend.)
Good way to put it, Poppy: "dumped." Grr.
Hi Jurgen, I used to take everything personally also...then I realized it was taking a huge toll on me :) For example, at my husband's college reunion, some guy was talking about how he was mean to some girl, and it got my hackles up. Then I stepped back and thought, "This has nothing to do with me! Why I am getting all defensive?" So I try to step back all the time. It's not always easy, but it has really helped me keep things in perspective.
bearette - I do tend to take things personally and it absolutely isn't a healthy thing in my opinion, but I also think it's sometimes so hard not to take it personally when the person who you're very close to is hurting you ... which is alot diff than listening to an idiot who is a stranger and having what he says aggrevate you, no?!
damn, we should all meet on messenger and have a nice chat!
Yeah, it is different when it's directed to you. At the law firm where I used to work (before I left law, forever!) there were these lawyers who seemed to feel it was OK to say ANYTHING as long as they prefaced it with, "Don't take it personally." It was really annoying.
Jules, you're totally right...we should! And Bearette, I envy you to bits for getting out of law for good. I'm almost there...so close!
Poppy, what an awesome forum this started!
Post a Comment