Monday, July 31, 2006


I am overwhelmed. Trying to taper off my back medications (while my back isn't fixed yet, just trying to get down to only one medication) during a very stressful time of year at work while also attempting to study and take practice exams for the real exams (plural, two exams which are 3 hours each and which cover approximately 350 pages each of “textbook” material) has sent me a bit over the edge.

This morning I had an anxiety attack. Sometimes I can stave them off by crying, which is what I chose to do before it got any worse. It worked, but I'm not sure for how long. I really wish I wouldn't feel so embarrassed about this issue and just get some fucking help for it, you know? Sorry to say that blogging about it isn't quite enough. I really need professional help to deal with this.

One of the issues swirling in the cess pool is that je n'ai aucune confiance en moi. I believe I will fail before I have even given myself the chance. I believe that I am a faker, a poseur, going through the motions of being all smart about computers and such, but then when it comes down to being tested (either in written or in project form) I will fail. There's no evidence to support this, it's just a matter of being in a career I never wanted to be in, just happened, so I feel like I'm somewhere I shouldn't be. Sure, I intellectually have the brains and the drive to wake up, come to work, and kick some motherfucking ass at this job. But, then I remember what my true, heart-felt passion is and I feel guilty both for not pursuing my true passion and for wasting everone's time including my own doing something I don't want to do.

I do, yes, understand that most of us are not doing what our passion is to do. I guess I'm just having my mid-life crisis a few years early and trying to figure out if I'm going to yet again do absolutely nothing about it, or if I'm going to grow a pair and do something constructive. ... Doesn't look good for the home team, but we'll see?


lemony said...

I started following my passion a few years ago...probably when I was about the age I *think* you are now. Scary at first, but the payoff now is huge: I've never been happier.

Have you listened to Wicked yet? You can defy gravity. Just close your eyes and leap.


Jenna said...

I had a panic attack a couple of days ago.. It sucks.. I took meds for a long time..I don't take any now but it still happens.. Just under extreme stress.. Deep breathing only helps so much..

Diamond Lil said...

Talking to a professional really helps. It might not make the anxiety go away, but they can give you the tools you need to get through them or avoid them. Plus, it really helps to talk to an unbiased person.

One thing you might consider is to talk with a career counselor. My friend is seeing one and she went from being a very unhappy television Producer to going back to school to become a child librarian. Just goes to show you that an outside influence can really help open up your mind to new opportunities.

Hang in there, sister!

Merideth said...

Fear. It's the primary cause of panic attacks.

I had the same exact feelings you have. That I was going to fail AND that people would then KNOW I was a fake.

I got professional help. I had no choice. I became so paralyzed with panic attacks I was unable to leave my house, literally. I couldn't even walk out the front door to get the mail or look out the window. I was in big trouble.

This did not happen in one day, but many months of talking myself into believing I was going to fail, that I didn't know what I was doing, and that people would catch me at being such a poser.

After I sought help, I took medication for a bit. It helped mellow me a bit so that when the panic attacks did come, I had more control and my fear of having a panic attack that I couldn't stop lessened.

Also, I never told anyone about my panic attacks. I tried to hide them. Which is almost impossible...but I tried. And that made the stress even worse.

I don't have as many panic attacks now and when I do I'm fully cognizant of the fact that "this is just a panic attack, wait a minute and it will pass."

And it does. I haven't had medication in 4 years now. And I don't worry about things like I used to ... I try to just roll with the punches.

Finally, I found out after the worst of it was under control that my mother and sister both have panic attacks. My mother most of her life, my sister only in the last couple of years (I helped her get through it and she's okay now). I was told that they can be inherited.

Just remember, fear is your worst enemy with panic attacks. I wish I could help you more.

P'nut said...

I have the exact same issues but have never sought help or meds... I've just "dealt with it". Sometimes it really hard. I know it's kept me from achieving and while that bothers me, I try not to think about it.

It's nice to know others live with the same thing, both to lesser & greater degrees (not nice that they have it, just nice to know I am not alone with my anxiety).