I am overwhelmed. Trying to taper off my back medications (while my back isn't fixed yet, just trying to get down to only one medication) during a very stressful time of year at work while also attempting to study and take practice exams for the real exams (plural, two exams which are 3 hours each and which cover approximately 350 pages each of textbook material) has sent me a bit over the edge.
This morning I had an anxiety attack. Sometimes I can stave them off by crying, which is what I chose to do before it got any worse. It worked, but I'm not sure for how long. I really wish I wouldn't feel so embarrassed about this issue and just get some fucking help for it, you know? Sorry to say that blogging about it isn't quite enough. I really need professional help to deal with this.
One of the issues swirling in the cess pool is that je n'ai aucune confiance en moi. I believe I will fail before I have even given myself the chance. I believe that I am a faker, a poseur, going through the motions of being all smart about computers and such, but then when it comes down to being tested (either in written or in project form) I will fail. There's no evidence to support this, it's just a matter of being in a career I never wanted to be in, just happened, so I feel like I'm somewhere I shouldn't be. Sure, I intellectually have the brains and the drive to wake up, come to work, and kick some motherfucking ass at this job. But, then I remember what my true, heart-felt passion is and I feel guilty both for not pursuing my true passion and for wasting everone's time including my own doing something I don't want to do.
I do, yes, understand that most of us are not doing what our passion is to do. I guess I'm just having my mid-life crisis a few years early and trying to figure out if I'm going to yet again do absolutely nothing about it, or if I'm going to grow a pair and do something constructive. ... Doesn't look good for the home team, but we'll see?