The Apothecary Rose and secrets. Oh, and defining moments.

Admittedly I am only a few chapters into this book that Bdogg sent me, but it is so intriguing. I just got to the part where a secret has been kept so as not to ruin the lives of three people.

Sometimes it really is better to keep a secret. I have a secret. I keep it from my parents. I don't keep it from my girlfriends or my husband, but I know that if I told my mom it would just hurt her and make her feel bad about a situation that she did not understand when she witnessed it. Unfortunately, that situation defined how I related myself to men when I was age 7 to age 22. That's 15 years of thinking that if I let boys/guys/men use me that meant they loved or cared for me.

I have no plans of ever telling my mother about the situation, but I sometimes need to allude to it in my daily life to get it out of my head. I don't want it to be one of my actively defining moments so I'm trying my best to create new and positive defining moments.

I'm having a hard time thinking of the list of my defining moments right now. My mind tends to think in images or jumbled concepts. When I pinpoint events in my life I find doubt in considering them a defining moment simply because I am remembering that the event occurred. But, here's a muddled list:

1. Listening to Def Leppard, reading Jaws, and watching the ocean go by as Mom and I drove through York Beach
What this means to me: It's my favorite place in the states because it is beautiful and because it is where my mom chose to spend quality time with me. It is a place of sanctuary, serenity, safe haven. It is where I escaped to in college when I was having a rough time and needed to get away. It is where Hay and I honeymooned. It is where I think of when I need to escape from my problems. (O, really, it's a fantastic place. Watch out for the biting deer, though.)

2. Combo: The day my brother was kicked out of Radio Shack for (loitering?), which happened to be the day I found out that he had been kicked out of another store for stealing, and the day the power went out in the arcade and I was stupid enough to lose 75 cents in the Pole Position game
What this means to me: When I told the arcade caretaker that I lost 75 cents in a game that was only 25 cents he called me a liar and threw me out. I wasn't a liar, I was just stupid and kept adding quarters thinking the game was jammed. But, now when I go to stores alone I think the people behind the counter are keeping a close eye on me because they think I am a liar and a thief. I don't want this defining moment anymore. Could someone please take it from me? Thanks. It's really hard to shake. The only place I don't feel like a criminal is somewhere I go really often so they know me and never make comments to me which could be misconstrued as me being untrustworthy or criminal.

3. The day that I realized it was hard to make friends as an adult
What this means to me: I am severely lonely sometimes. I know this is the human condition, but for some reason I didn't think it took so much friggin' effort for humans to connect with one another and stay connected. My closest friends outside of college are a few of you (you know who you are). The friends I tried to make in real life didn't pan out. I even tried to be friends with my cousin but she has plenty of friends and doesn't need my friendship. Slap. in. the. face.

4. When I told Kiki that I liked Hay
What this means to me: I had decided to live alone and take a break from relationships after the last boyfriend blindsided me by hooking up with my friend's girlfriend while I was on a business trip. I could see it on him when I walked into the baggage claim area. I didn't need him to say one damn thing to me, I could just tell. After that mess was all over, I was really happy about being able to be independent. It's something my mother never had, so I was glad that I could achieve my complete independence. Once I felt firmly established in this independence I decided to pursue a relationship with a man rather than slutting myself out there waiting for the first boy to pick up my scent to hook up with me. Yah, I was one of those girls. Needy, sexual because I needed to be loved. It's not something I'm proud of and it's not something I'll do again. I could never have a healthy relationship with Hay as my former self.

5. Meeting Ripley for the first time
What this means to me: I was a volunteer at a local animal shelter. When I moved farther away from the shelter I was having a difficult time maintaining my commitment to them. One day I was working away when one of the paid staff said "Go ask Poppy, she'll teach you how to do it." I knew then that this was no longer going to work out. I took on this volunteer position so that I could spend some time with the animals, free of obligations to people (people and I were not getting along at that point), but all I really ever did was clean up after them, after which I was too tired to spend time with them. It was exhausting. One of my last times volunteering I went into the cat room and sat on the floor. This is when I met Miss Ripley. She was only 5 months old and 5 lbs, and she was in a room filled with male cats who hissed at her, yet she was happy and excited to see me. We played for what seemed like forever. I fell in love with her. She fell in love with me. I told Hay about her and we decided to visit to make sure we agreed that we would adopt her. The reason for alllowing Ripley to be part of my defining moment set (as opposed to the many other kitties who have graced my life) is that I chose her and she chose me. Unconditional love. We have a very deep bond, we understand each other implicitly, and when I go to work I miss her. Sure, I miss the other girls too, but they don't let me into their hearts like Ripley does. Allie tolerates me and loves me. Georgie is just happy-go-lucky. Ripley is sustained by my affection, and that makes me feel like a good kitty parent. It gives me hope for being able to nurture the unfurry kids.


There are other defining moments, but that's all I've got for now. (There are supposed to be 10, right, Dr. Phil? Or is it Oprah? Or Montel? Who knows? Does it matter? No? Okay?) I'm not dead yet, so there's time for more defining moments.