This morning in my work mailbox I found an invitation to be included in one of those scammy who's who directories, which I checked out later and learned I want no part in it, but before checking it out my introspection began.
I have always been resistant to being a "computer person". I never wanted this to be my career. I just did it because I was good at it. I did it because, despite my dislike for all things service, it's what my personality type tells me I should be doing.
And then something happened. I'm not sure what. Something changed in me that made me love what I do. Perhaps it's because my employer became more supportive of my professional development and I was able to actually learn more and practice the security side of computing. This is truly my passion. I love all things to do with security. I could wax poetically for hours on the subject. I could eat up every certification there is to do with this field, read every trade material there is on the subject, handle incidents with no objection indefinitely. I would love to become someone's CSO, CISO, security consultant, or similar. I would love to be in charge of security infrastructure, planning, implementation, response, resolution... all of it.
But, what if? I have a fear of responsibility, a fear of committing to the big things. I have a fear of saying yes to something and then disappointing everyone involved. I fear that I don't know enough to do the job well. I fear that everyone will realize I'm a fake. Underneath this confident exterior I'm just winging it like the rest of the world. And somehow that's okay for everyone else to do, but not for me.
I am very strong willed, know what I want, and go full force toward it, but underneath there is a constant dialog of, "[my nickname here], are you really sure you know what you're doing?" No, voice, I don't. But I'm doing it anyway.
The one day several months back when my boss told me, "you know, you could be the CSO" scared the absolute shit out of me. But, is there really anything wrong with being scared?