poke me with a stick

When I went to the cafe Manager Peggy asked me how I was doing. I pointed down to my coffee and simply stated, "need this" (as in, I am not a functioning human being yet and coffee will resolve that). She gave me a smile then told me my coffee was free. I heart Peggy. I promised to drink it and come back later to be nice to her, but she said I'm always nice to her so don't worry about it. Did I mention I heart Peggy?

When I arrived to my office someone had placed my partner in crime's baby shower card on my desk mid-circulation. As in, only half the people in the office had received the card before it was returned to me. Let's back up. I'm organizing the baby shower. I'm the one circulating the card. My name is nowhere listed in the circulation list except at the very bottom, and I give to you verbatim from the Excel file, where it says:

Return to Poppy's [upstairs] mailbox after everyone has checked off their names OR by Tuesday, October 16 (whichever comes first).

Am I not making myself clear? I then emailed the entire office to say:

Which ASSHAT can't follow directions and/or is passive-aggressive enough to UNLOCK MY DOOR AND STICK THE CARD ON MY DESK while HALF THE NAMES HAVE YET TO BE CHECKED OFF THE CIRC LIST?!

Well, in my head I did that, anyway... Still plenty of time left in the day!

Could someone massage my head and shoulders?

Last night I was unavoidably detained from online activities for a reason that ends with me sitting in the shower with my clothes on and Hay putting a bucket on my side of the bed. I had a scheduled chat session with B at 8pm and plans to chat with Avi about the season 1 finale of Veronica Mars after I had watched the episode (thanks to Netflix). I was unable to accomplish either of those goals.

Following is the transcript of my IM session with Avi this morning. Please note the names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the severely not innocent. Please also note that VM means Veronica Mars.

poppy: ohhh, do I have a story.
avi: yeah?
poppy: yah
poppy: I thought of calling you, but I would need to find a dark corner
avi: oh yeah?
poppy: it's too scandalous to say in front of my officemate and her client
avi: heh
avi: ok
avi: you can try anyway
poppy: try anyway what
avi: to find a dark corner
avi: heh
avi: or you can type it all out
poppy: I think I'll type
avi: k
poppy: so .
avi: i'll stay quiet and let you type it out
poppy: good idea
poppy: When I came home Hay decided to go outside and do work
poppy: so I went in the house and grabbed an entire bottle of wine and headed directly upstairs.
poppy: (stop judging me, I'm not there yet)
avi: heh
poppy: and then I opened the bottle of wine, started drinking SOME of it while I worked and watched episode 1 of VM
poppy: and then Hay popped his head upstairs and asked if I wanted steak and what to have with it
poppy: so I agreed to make potatoes
poppy: so I paused what I was doing upstairs
poppy: went downstairs and buzzedly washed potatoes
poppy: and forked them
poppy: and stuck them in the microwave
poppy: and went back upstairs and in my AWESOMELY judgment state I drank the rest of the bottle of wine
poppy: and continued VM
avi: heh
poppy: and then it was time to go downstairs and eat dinner
poppy: so I went down and severely fuckedupedly put together a plate of food
poppy: and started to eat it while we watched American Idol from last night
poppy: and I thought I finished it but I see this morning I didnt
poppy: and I put the plate down
poppy: and went upstairs to the bathroom
poppy: and stayed there.
poppy: just sitting there feeling awesome
poppy: and I eventually crawled into the bathtub
avi: awwwww
poppy: and turned on the water WITH my clothes on
poppy: but the door was locked
poppy: and Hay comes up half an hour later and says, "Poppy?"
poppy: and I say "I'm fiiiiine!"
poppy: and he says "are you okay"
poppy: and I say "yup"
poppy: "are you drunk?"
poppy: "nope"
poppy: "really?"
poppy: "nope"
poppy: "so you are?"
poppy: "yup"
poppy: "ok, the door's locked"
poppy: "yup"
avi: omg - i have tears in my eyes
poppy: "i'm breaking in"
poppy: "ok"
poppy: so he breaks into the bathroom
poppy: and he sees me with water running all over me
poppy: so I'm just sitting there
poppy: with water all over
poppy: and he comes over and hangs out with me and tries to get me to drink ice water
avi: my sides hurt
poppy: and I keep saying no
poppy: and he says "you need to"
poppy: and so I drink a little every few minutes
poppy: and then I say
poppy: "the water is too cold"
poppy: so he fixes the temp
poppy: and I say "it's too hot"
poppy: "HAAAAAAAAY"
poppy: "IT'S TOO HOT"
poppy: He leaves the room for a minute
poppy: and I
poppy: 'm just yelling
poppy: "hay hay hay hay"
avi: oh jesus
poppy: and he comes back and turns down the water
poppy: and then he starts telling me he's going to get me a bucket for bed
poppy: and then do you know what I say?
poppy: I say "they have seals on I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?"
avi: hahahahhahhaha
poppy: "and they're always looking for their buckets!"
avi: i KNEW you were going to say that
poppy: so
poppy: I totally never got to talk to B last night
poppy: didn't get to finish VM
poppy: and didn't get to talk to you
avi: oh my GOD
avi: i have tears streaming down my face
avi: and my sides hurt
poppy: :)
poppy: now I wish I had called you
avi: that is the funniest thing i have ever heard
poppy: I'm calling
poppy: JAS
avi: ok
(a conversation ensues in which avi laughs at poppy for several minutes while she tries to defend her decision to get drunk instead of watching VM or talking to her bestest friend ever for a SCHEDULED appointment)
avi: Yar!
poppy: except I'm crooked
avi: crooked?
poppy: I am off balance this morning
poppy: :)
avi: heh
poppy: I forgot about that detail until I just tried to walk back to my office
avi: heheheh
avi: maybe you're still slightly drunk
poppy: I totally am


This morning I received B's email asking if I was okay, and I responded with the condensed version of the above story. She was glad I wasn't dead. Avi just assumed I lost power, my DSL modem broke, or I was too busy to chat. Note to self: Don't get that drunk again OR at least practice mental telepathy so that B is informed of my stupidity and doesn't assume I'm dead in a ditch.

An entire nation of mouse-eared alkies grows up to steal panties.

I don't have a clever story this morning.

I have a stupid story this morning: Disney champagne. Let us encourage the youth of America to begin drinking as soon as they can hold their own sippy cups! Gooooood idea!

(Does that girl with the braids not look like she's staring at the other girl's undeveloped chest? Next CNN headline: Disney champagne leads to acquaintance assault)

Oh, and one more smaht story: Man steals 1500 pairs of women's underwear. Could you come over and steal mine? I need to clean out my collection before the new ones arrive, but I'm kinda lazy...

Note to self:

If you don't eat a proper dinner ahead of kicking ass class you're going to be so starving when you get home that you're going to binge on rice that Hay made you when you called him from the class parking lot asking him to make you lots of it. Blurg...

What makes me think this is a good plan?

I'm about to go get a second iced tea. I don't need a second iced tea for the following reasons:

· It runs right through me, and I'll be running to the bathroom to pee every five seconds all afternoon
· It makes me maniacally hyper
· I'm probably having iced tea when I go out to dinner directly after work
· I have a ginormous glass of ice water brought in from home and an odwalla pure orange juice sitting on my desk that should be finished ahead of another iced tea
· edit: Caffeine, particularly in iced tea, makes my back and leg flare up (oops, forgot about that little tidbit...)

I have really bad judgment when it comes to iced tea. I'm going for it. :)