f bomb

Stupid fucking phone etiquette: The person who keeps CALLING MY PHONE but never leaving a message. If I don't recognize your number I'M NOT PICKING UP THE CALL. TAKE A FUCKING HINT. You've called me 15 times in the last two weeks. Do I EVER answer? NO. NO, I DO NOT. EXCEPT BY ACCIDENT WHILE I MUMBLE "LEAVE ME A FUCKING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE."

(And if you're the one calling me, then I revise the entry to: Please leave me a voicemail so I know who you are. :)

Sick conversacione

Poppy: Nose?
Poppy's nose: Yes, Poppy?
Poppy: Nose, stop running.
Poppy's nose: Nope!
Poppy: Yes!
Poppy's nose: No.
Poppy: Yeeeeees.
Poppy's nose: Nah.
Poppy: Yuh!
Poppy's nose: What's in it for me?
Poppy: Nose?
Poppy's nose: Yup!
Poppy: You're mean.
Poppy's nose: Yup!

pick-up/take-out/check-out lines

Apparently me running into the door with my head on the way out Friday did not detour (ahem) deter (at least I catch my own mistakes) the cafe check-out guy from wanting to continue hitting on me. He just used a line on me. Smoooooooth. :)

I can't share with you the actual line he used because it's work specific (as in, specific to my employer) but that's extra bonus points right there. Takes mad skillz to do that, no?

I know I'm cute, but it's weird to me that people I don't know flirt with me. I think it's because I smile and look people in the eye, which is what I'm doing with you right now. (How you doin'? Hehehe.)

A message from the desk of

...the somewhat malcontent but always adorable anyway Ms. Molly:

"Tell the internets I said hey, if they still remember me. Lol. I promise I'll be back! It just may not be until next month sometime."

If she doesn't come back I will be stealing her stapler, her puppy named Hershey, her snarky daughter Fynn (on Tuesdays only), and her meat-filled email.

(Please come back.)

BrainyQuote's funny quote of the day(??): "I have never been hurt by what I have not said." ~Calvin Coolidge

My reaction, verbalized to an empty room: "Well, that's a wussy thing to say!"

Overheard

As I motored between new and old office I heard this about me...

Previous officemate: *making a 3-foot-long gesture with hands* "She's got some really nice short ones."

I enjoy being spoken about so fondly! She was speaking about some short shelves that are in my new office which I won't be needing, but it's amusing to overhear.

"Rough" and Billy Ocean are an odd combination

Hay: Whatever happened to Billy Ocean?
Poppy: He became irrelevant.
Hay: Oh, that's terrible! ... Now, when the going gets tough?
Poppy: The tough get going.
Hay: And when the going gets rough?
Poppy: They get going too?



Follow-up:

Poppy: I once killed a man.
Hay: Jesus, really?
Poppy: His name was Billy Ocean.
Hay: Wow...

Conversaciones con Poppy

Officemate (who also happens to be the manager of the help desk*): I hate Microsoft.
Poppy: You know you're not supposed to say that.
Officemate: You are absolutely right. But this stupid piece of shit...
Poppy: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
Officemate: *laugh* ...won't show two spreadsheets side by...
Poppy: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Officemate: side. What?
Poppy: I am having too much fun at work lately.

She cracks me up. I'm going to miss sitting in an office with her. Granted, we'll be in our own offices directly on the other side of the wall from each other, but her random outbursts are priceless.


*I do not work for the help desk. She is not my supervisor. But she is definitely like a mom to me.

Repeated daily

"No. No. NO. Do not bother your sister. She is sleeping."

"STOP SCRATCHING THE COUCH! THE SCRATCHING POST IS RIGHT. THERE.!!!!"

"Stop smelling your sister's ass."

"Stop eating your sister's food."

"Get OFF the screen! I know bugs/birds are fun but you're gonna break through and hurt yourself."

"Why are you crying?"

...

"You are so adorable."

"Do you want me to scratch your belly?"

"Do you want me to scratch your ears?"

"Do you wanna type something?"

"Are you gonna get that birdie? Are you gonna bite that birdie's HEAD off?! Huh, are ya!?"

"[Any one of the three girls' names goes here], you're in charge today while we're gone."

quickie

TV: You won't believe what pirates will do.
Poppy: I BELIEVE WHAT PIRATES WILL DO. PIRATES ARE BAAAA-YAD.
Hay: *laughs*

catcall

I was going to post something really funny about someone playing with a certain gaming console, but I have been denied permission to do so. I think we should all boo that person until that person gives in.


BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


I might need to make a Blogger label for you... *squinty mean face*

Tidbitsies without pants

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Overheard in Poppyland

Scene: Traffic. Hay and Poppy are travelling behind some POS convertible mini car that wreaks of gasoline and has had its right turn blinker on for the last half mile while its driver obliviously keeps turning his balding head toward the side of the road to look at scenery.

Poppy says: Hey Mid Life Crisis, turn your fucking blinker off!
Mid Life Crisis responds: *oblivious*

At least I tried.

Wow, that was ... slow mo

Menu: If you don't see the beer you're looking for please ask your server! *smile*
Server: Welcome to [Restaurant Name], can I start you off with something to drink? A glass of wine or a coffee?
Poppy: Do you have any oatmeal beer?
Server: *stares at Poppy*
Poppy: *stares at server*
Hay: *stares at Poppy*
Poppy: *gives Hay the "WTF, dude?!" look*
Server: *stares at Poppy*
Poppy: *about to look at her pretend watch*
Server: No, we don't.
Poppy: Okay, I'll have a Newcastle then.
Server: Okay!
Poppy: And an ice water.
Server: Great!

Seriously, it was like 7 seconds of my life wasted in complete silence just because I took the menu's advice. The irony of it all is that this restaurant serves warm bread ahead of the meal which had oatmeal in it so I drank my Newcastle and ate the bread at the same time and it was like having the oatmeal stout I actually wanted. :) I'm resourceful.

BNL IM

Hay: If I had a million dollars I'd build a tree fort in our yard.
Poppy: hehehehehe
Poppy: and put a little tiny fridge in there somewhere?
Hay: Yes!
Hay: :D
Hay: By the way, I have always wanted a monkey.
Poppy: Haven't you?
Hay: I have!
Poppy: How about some Kraft? or a fur coat?
Poppy: (but not a real fur coat, that's cruel)

The new plan

Molly and I have just decided via IM that we are moving to Orlando to be closer to Avi so he can support us while we get Molly's brothel up and running and Avi trained as a man-whore. Once it is established I will be the chief information security officer for said brothel and Molly and I will sip Mai Tais while we watch Fynn (pictured to the right) become the smartest kid on the planet. Doesn't that sound like a good plan? Yes, yes it does. I love it when a good plan comes together...

(BTW, Avi doesn't know about this plan. Well, okay, he does now that he's reading it. Hi! *wave*)

In between meetings...

Hay: Allo?
Poppy: I'm here for a few minutes
Poppy: what's up?
Hay: It's really minor.
Hay: I had never played with the dog in the Windows XP Search box.
Hay: He does tricks.
Poppy: ahh
Hay: And there are other animations!
Poppy: yup
Hay: Apparently the dog scratches itself, and can be setup to make sound when it does so.
Hay: That would be annoying.
Hay: I don't get the lady with the big glasses that rides in a spaceship.
Poppy: hehehe
Poppy: dunno
Hay: I asked her to perform a "trick" and she flashed her headlights.
Hay: I know it sounds sexual...but it's kind of scary.
Poppy: hehehehehe
Poppy: that is so
Poppy: blogworthy

Molly?

So, it's waaaaaay past my bedtime but clearly not past Molly's because we've been chatting for 3 hours now and she has made the life decision to become a ninja nun (see question 2). To be more precise, Sister Mary Ninja:



Bring it? No no, it's already been broughted!!!!!


Sorry, Avi, looks like she won't be running that brothel after all... No dental for you!

Could someone massage my head and shoulders?

Last night I was unavoidably detained from online activities for a reason that ends with me sitting in the shower with my clothes on and Hay putting a bucket on my side of the bed. I had a scheduled chat session with B at 8pm and plans to chat with Avi about the season 1 finale of Veronica Mars after I had watched the episode (thanks to Netflix). I was unable to accomplish either of those goals.

Following is the transcript of my IM session with Avi this morning. Please note the names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the severely not innocent. Please also note that VM means Veronica Mars.

poppy: ohhh, do I have a story.
avi: yeah?
poppy: yah
poppy: I thought of calling you, but I would need to find a dark corner
avi: oh yeah?
poppy: it's too scandalous to say in front of my officemate and her client
avi: heh
avi: ok
avi: you can try anyway
poppy: try anyway what
avi: to find a dark corner
avi: heh
avi: or you can type it all out
poppy: I think I'll type
avi: k
poppy: so .
avi: i'll stay quiet and let you type it out
poppy: good idea
poppy: When I came home Hay decided to go outside and do work
poppy: so I went in the house and grabbed an entire bottle of wine and headed directly upstairs.
poppy: (stop judging me, I'm not there yet)
avi: heh
poppy: and then I opened the bottle of wine, started drinking SOME of it while I worked and watched episode 1 of VM
poppy: and then Hay popped his head upstairs and asked if I wanted steak and what to have with it
poppy: so I agreed to make potatoes
poppy: so I paused what I was doing upstairs
poppy: went downstairs and buzzedly washed potatoes
poppy: and forked them
poppy: and stuck them in the microwave
poppy: and went back upstairs and in my AWESOMELY judgment state I drank the rest of the bottle of wine
poppy: and continued VM
avi: heh
poppy: and then it was time to go downstairs and eat dinner
poppy: so I went down and severely fuckedupedly put together a plate of food
poppy: and started to eat it while we watched American Idol from last night
poppy: and I thought I finished it but I see this morning I didnt
poppy: and I put the plate down
poppy: and went upstairs to the bathroom
poppy: and stayed there.
poppy: just sitting there feeling awesome
poppy: and I eventually crawled into the bathtub
avi: awwwww
poppy: and turned on the water WITH my clothes on
poppy: but the door was locked
poppy: and Hay comes up half an hour later and says, "Poppy?"
poppy: and I say "I'm fiiiiine!"
poppy: and he says "are you okay"
poppy: and I say "yup"
poppy: "are you drunk?"
poppy: "nope"
poppy: "really?"
poppy: "nope"
poppy: "so you are?"
poppy: "yup"
poppy: "ok, the door's locked"
poppy: "yup"
avi: omg - i have tears in my eyes
poppy: "i'm breaking in"
poppy: "ok"
poppy: so he breaks into the bathroom
poppy: and he sees me with water running all over me
poppy: so I'm just sitting there
poppy: with water all over
poppy: and he comes over and hangs out with me and tries to get me to drink ice water
avi: my sides hurt
poppy: and I keep saying no
poppy: and he says "you need to"
poppy: and so I drink a little every few minutes
poppy: and then I say
poppy: "the water is too cold"
poppy: so he fixes the temp
poppy: and I say "it's too hot"
poppy: "HAAAAAAAAY"
poppy: "IT'S TOO HOT"
poppy: He leaves the room for a minute
poppy: and I
poppy: 'm just yelling
poppy: "hay hay hay hay"
avi: oh jesus
poppy: and he comes back and turns down the water
poppy: and then he starts telling me he's going to get me a bucket for bed
poppy: and then do you know what I say?
poppy: I say "they have seals on I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?"
avi: hahahahhahhaha
poppy: "and they're always looking for their buckets!"
avi: i KNEW you were going to say that
poppy: so
poppy: I totally never got to talk to B last night
poppy: didn't get to finish VM
poppy: and didn't get to talk to you
avi: oh my GOD
avi: i have tears streaming down my face
avi: and my sides hurt
poppy: :)
poppy: now I wish I had called you
avi: that is the funniest thing i have ever heard
poppy: I'm calling
poppy: JAS
avi: ok
(a conversation ensues in which avi laughs at poppy for several minutes while she tries to defend her decision to get drunk instead of watching VM or talking to her bestest friend ever for a SCHEDULED appointment)
avi: Yar!
poppy: except I'm crooked
avi: crooked?
poppy: I am off balance this morning
poppy: :)
avi: heh
poppy: I forgot about that detail until I just tried to walk back to my office
avi: heheheh
avi: maybe you're still slightly drunk
poppy: I totally am


This morning I received B's email asking if I was okay, and I responded with the condensed version of the above story. She was glad I wasn't dead. Avi just assumed I lost power, my DSL modem broke, or I was too busy to chat. Note to self: Don't get that drunk again OR at least practice mental telepathy so that B is informed of my stupidity and doesn't assume I'm dead in a ditch.

cheat sheet

My tagline says it all. Yes, I'm making you translate multiple times. I'm evil that way.

Update: No one bothered with:

在星期四我是去。警告された! 넋두리 - я уязвлять вас!

So, either you figured it out or you gave up. It basically says that (Chinese) I am away on Thursday, (Japanese) I warned you, (Korean) if you complain (Russian) I'll bite you. That's funny stuff!